Page 190 of The Secret We Keep
Given I didn’t attend her actual service, Paddy arranged this small gathering for me as a token of the fight I’ve had, and the one I know is still to come. The one where I’ll have to live each day with a piece of me missing. The person I miss the most.
“He’s a good man,” Christine says, looking over my shoulder. “We should have told him we were coming. We just… We didn’t know how.”
I follow her gaze to Paddy who’s standing watching us in his winter coat and boots. “Yeah, he is a good man,” I reply, turning back to her.
“I always thought Holly had a thing for him. That was until she started seeing Callum West—”
“Callum West,” we both say at the same time, laughing comfortably with one another. “God, I miss her,” she then says, inhaling deeply.
“Me too.”
“You remind me so much of her, Morgan.”
My heart warms. “I do?”
Looking to her husband, Christine nods. “And we’re so unbelievably sorry that we didn’t say anything to you. We watched as the world whirred by you, all because we envied you.”
Her words have me angling my head slightly, looking between the two of them. “Envied me?” I check I heard her correctly.
With lips pressed tight together, Christine then explains, “We envied the extra time you had with her. Hearing you talking to her… It was like our daughter had never left us. She was alive and living through you. We’re as much to blame for everything that happened as the next person. But now’s the time to let her go.”
My tears flow like a river, running down both sides of my face to my chin. “I’m ready.” I may not look it, but I am. I have to finally be brave and let her go.
Christine and I turn and look down at Holly’s grave. Her final resting place.
I don’t give a speech or say any words; I simply bask in the knowledge that my beautiful friend has been, and always will be, my guide. The person who roots for me when I can’t take it anymore. The person who I’ll call upon for help because God only knows I’m going to need it.
After a few minutes of tranquil silence, only the sound of the distant birds can be heard. The chilly air doesn’t get under my skin like it usually does, due to the small beams of sunlight daring to break through the clouds.
Tilting my head back, I keep my eyes closed, hearing the iron gate open and close. “May we come over?” Paddy’s soft voice asks.
I smile, the sun still kissing my cheeks.
When I finally turn to look at Paddy, his troubled eyes scan my face.
“She’s gone.” I can still feel the tears streaming from my eyes, but with every fresh wave of emotion that leaves me, the weight I’ve been bearing lightens.
Paddy’s arms come up and wrap around my waist. I hug him back before we move to one side, allowing everyone to place their ownflowers. I know they’ve already done this in the past, but being a part of this today is how it was meant to be. And for that, I’m so grateful to every single one of them.
“Is that what I think it is?” I ask Paddy, seeing Evie step up beside Siobhan. “Is that the swear jar?”
Paddy nods with an endearing smile. “She wanted to do something nice for Holly.”
Just as my tears had begun subsiding, a fresh wave floods me like a tsunami. “She did?” My voice croaks.
Evie places her beloved jar down next to the sunflowers.
“It’s bursting,” I point out, my tone surprised.
Not missing a trick, Evie turns to look at me. “Uncle Paddy did lots of swearing while you were away. But don’t worry,” she grins, “Grandma Siobhan whooped his arse every time.”
There are audible gasps before everyone erupts with laughter.
I wipe fresh tears off my face, knowing that it wouldof coursebe the youngest out of all of us who would so easily sweep away all the pain.
Laughter at her graveside.
It’s what Holly would have wanted. Not tears.
