Page 53 of Kane's Awakening
“You, too,” he replied with a smile.
Another guy—who I just noticed in the corner—stood and greeted him. His hair was short and blond with red highlights, and he was wearing furry knee-high boots over skinny jeans. They kissed, and I looked away.
It was uncommon to see gay couples so out in the open around there. I mean, I saw them occasionally, and things were certainly better in that sense, but unless it was at a gay bar or something along those lines, it was still a bit rare.
My name was called next, and I stood up and went through the door. The session hadn’t even started and I already wanted it to be over.
“Good morning, Mr. Matthews,” a man said. He was older, and at first, I thought he looked like one of those pompous assholes. But then he smiled, and I noticed how warm his eyes were. “I’m Dr. Robert Chase. You can call me Robert or Dr. Chase, whichever you prefer.”
After shaking his hand, I plopped down in the chair by the window. “Ah, so I can’t call you Rob or Robby?” I asked with full-on sarcasm. “Dammit, such a shame. I’m so broken-hearted here, doc.”
The guy didn’t understand sarcasm apparently.
“Well, you can call me Rob if you wish,” he said, taking his seat and adjusting his glasses. “If it makes you more comfortable.”
I rolled my eyes and looked outside.
A tree stood just beyond the window, and there was something calming about it. It had lost all its leaves, and the little bit of snow that had fallen stuck to its bare branches. I wondered if the other clients looked out that same window, at that same tree, during their sessions.
“Kane?” Dr. Chase asked, and I focused on him. “Would you like to discuss the events from the other night? Your feelings about it?”
“Not really,” I answered a bit too fast. “I mean, there’s no reason to. The guy had a gun and would’ve killed me if he’d gotten the shot first. I did what I had to. End of story.”
I was a pretty good bullshitter, even if Ryker had said I wasn’t.
Ryker.Fuck. How had I let it end like that between us? He deserved so much better than an asshole like me.
I refused to get close to anyone because I didn’t want the drama and heartache that came with the breakups—and the period afterward of me feeling worthless and unlovable. A massive part of me believed Ryker wouldneverdo that, though. Hewantedlove.
So, why couldn’t I at least fucking date him? What would that hurt? I’d unintentionally turned into the type of guy I hated. I’d turned into Devon.
“Do you agree?”
“Huh?” I asked, snapping out of my thoughts and looking at the psychologist. “Sorry, I didn’t catch the question.”
“I said even if you don’t feel as if you were in the wrong, the incident itself can cause inner turmoil. Having been put in that situation. The worry over your partner being shot, the fear for your life, and even the anxiety about ever holding a gun again.” He didn’t show any irritation or impatience at having to repeat himself. I guess someonehadto be of good temperament to work in that kind of profession. “These are feelings that may surface over time.”
“Maybe.”
He leaned forward in his chair. “Kane, you know this is a safe space, right? You don’t have to hide around me. I am here tohelpyou. Not judge you. If you aren’t ready to talk today, that’s fine. I never want you to feel pressured to talk until you’re comfortable.”
“What if I’m never ready?” I asked before glancing at the clock. I’d only been in there for ten minutes, but it felt like an hour. “Because honestly, I just want to put it all behind me and get back to work.”
“I understand your desire to put it all behind you,” he agreed. “However, your captain made it clear that until I give him my evaluation, you aren’t going back in the field. And I can’t say I disagree with him.”
Great. Just fucking awesome.
“So, if I don’t talk to you, I can’t ever do my damn job again?” I was pissed.
“Not necessarily,” Dr. Chase answered. “Some people can discuss the event and be fine afterward. But I’ve been doing this for many, many years, Mr. Matthews, and I can tell you right now that I see you’re more bothered than you admit. However, it’s important for you to talk on your own time and steer the narrative of our sessions, and I’m here for whenever you’re ready.”
It was crazy how so much had gone wrong in only a matter of days—the shooting, the fight with Ryker, and now I was basically losing my job until I could prove I was okay.
The thing was… I didn’t know if I was okay, and I was tired of pretending I was.
But I didn’t say anything, choosing to stay silent instead.
Maybe my next session would be different.
