Page 34 of Tangled Up In You
Hunter
No good came from living in the past. If you were constantly obsessing over things that had already happened, there was no moving forward from them. There was no changing what happened. Just a constant battle ofwhat ifsandshould havesthat served no other purpose than to torture ourselves.
So why couldn’t I just let go of the past when it came to Corbin?
We were being given a second chance in a way, and I couldn’t embrace it. Because I couldn’t forgive him. I couldn’t trust him not to hurt me again.
Days had passed since I’d last spoken to him. He’d been angry—and rightfully so—when he’d stormed out of my house Wednesday night. I didn’t know why I’d behaved that way, and to say I was ashamed was an understatement. My irrational behavior had derived from many mixed emotions: anger and guilt at myself for not being honest with him seven years ago, anger at him for leaving in the first place and for also believing the lie so quickly.
I was angry at all the years we’d lost—time that we would’ve spent together had things taken a different turn. If we’d both made different decisions.
Usually, he would’ve tried calling or texting me by now. It was Saturday and still no word from him…not that I’d reached out to him either, though.
“Want me to top off your coffee, hun?” Martha, one of the waitresses at my parents’ diner, asked.
“Please,” I said, offering her a smile, even though I felt the farthest thing from happy.
I had stopped working there once I’d left for college, but I still went in there each weekend like clockwork to have breakfast. In fact, my whole life had become routine. I taught English Monday through Friday. Every evening, I graded papers and worked on the next week’s lesson plans. I hit the gym four days a week. On the weekend, I came into the diner and then went home afterward. Sometimes I’d go grocery shopping.
There was no spontaneity or mixing up my routine. My life was predictable. Boring.
Strangely enough, I hadn’t considered my life boring until Corbin came back into it and I saw a glimpse of what I was missing. Excitement. Love. That spark of something new that made me look forward to waking up every day.
But was experiencing that kind of excitement worth the pain that would follow? Because therewouldbe pain…of the heartbreak variety.
Corbin had made it clear he had no intentions on staying, and I doubted a long distance thing would ever work out between us. Not with all the people—menandwomen—that were throwing themselves at him every chance they got.
And yeah, that was my other issue. Jealousy.
It was an awful trait to have, but I couldn’t control it. I hadn’t known I even had it until a few weeks ago. Mainly because the only serious relationship I’d ever had had been with Corbin. I’d dated guys since him, but I hadn’t cared enough about any of them to be bothered by infidelity or them getting bored and moving on.
When it’d just been me and Corbin back in the day, I hadn’t had to worry about whether he’d cheat on me or find someone more on his level. We’d been on an equal playing field so to speak. We’d had a direction in life, and our futures had been connected.
I felt insecure compared to him now. He was a huge football star and a freaking model and I was a high school English teacher from a small town in Arkansas. In no universe would that ever work.
The sooner Corbin left Willow, the better in my opinion. Then we could both get back to our uncomplicated lives.
After I finished my food, I took my plate to the back of the restaurant and placed it in the sink. Mom was in the office, and I tapped on the door before walking in. I visited with her for a bit before Dad came in.
“Can you help out back?” he asked. His cheeks were pink from the cold and he was out of breath. “Jason didn’t show up today to help unload supplies and I can’t—”
“Dad, you don’t need to do that kind of work,” I said, standing up. What I didn’t say was that he didn’t need to over exert himself because he wasn’t in the best of health. He’d thrown out his back last year. “Sit down with mom and I’ll go finish up.”
Once outside, I finished unloading the truck before carrying the boxes into the storage room. Henry, one of the cooks, helped me sort out everything, and with both of us doing it, it didn’t take too long. It was busy work that kept my mind from wandering to topics it shouldn’t be wandering to.
However, when I finally got home, all I could think about was Corbin.
And since he’d been in my house, I couldn’t look at the kitchen table without remembering him sitting in the chair as he ate the meal I’d cooked for him. I couldn’t look at my bed without remembering him beneath me, staring up at me as I straddled his hips. I couldn’t even go into my home office without recalling how he’d try to seduce me on the desk with that crazy roleplaying thing.
I needed a night out—to break my routine and just let loose for once. Maybe it’d help me get him out of my head.
***
Later that night, I was at a bar in the bigger city about thirty minutes away and telling myself that I’d made a good decision…even though I felt the exact opposite. I was in my mid-twenties, but I felt like I was ancient compared to the crowd getting shitfaced around me.
Since when did I become an old man who couldn’t party? I’d done more partying in college that I cared to admit, yet I felt out of place.
Corbin would fit in here, I told myself as I saw three frat-type guys doing shots a few feet down the bar from me.Ugh. Stop.The point of this night is to forget about him.
