Page 52 of Declan
“Whatever,” I scoffed, pocketing my phone. “I could’ve been looking at funny cat videos or something.”
“Looking at a pussy probably isn’t too far off the mark,” she retorted with a wink.
I smiled, letting her believe whatever she wanted to.
Pete, her boyfriend, walked up and touched her arm. They beamed at each other, but didn’t openly embrace. Paparazzi wasn’t allowed inside the building, however we couldn’t ever be too careful.
Jennifer wasn’t forced to follow her agent’s advice with keeping her boyfriend a secret, but if she wanted to make a name for herself in the business, it was best if she did. Just like if a hot musician bursts onto the scene, the last thing he should do was become unavailable. He needed all the screaming girls to believe they had a chance with him. At least for a while.
Being open about a committed relationship so early could be career suicide. Supposedly.
Gideon walked me to the car and we started heading back to the hotel. He hadn’t said a word about me being with Kyler.
“Kyler is stopping by tonight,” I said, feeling a sudden tightening in my stomach at how he’d perceive it.
“Okay.”
No questions asked. Not after I’d practically bitten his head off in the past for doing so.
“Go ahead and say what you want to,” I said, staring at the town of Addersfield as we drove through it. Even at night it was beautiful. Main Street was lit up; lampposts, storefront windows, and fairy lights that hung around outside seating areas.
“There’s nothing I have to say.”
I focused on my bodyguard, studying his stoic expression. He glanced over at me, still indifferent, before looking back at the road. He seemed like he’d meant that, too.
“But if there’s something you wish to tell me,” he added. “I’m all ears.”
I realized then I actually wanted to tell him. Wanted to tellsomeone.I’d kept it bottled up for years, rarely admitting the truth even to myself. I’d thought if I kept denying it, kept screwing women in an attempt tofixmyself, I’d eventually be cured or whatever.
But it wasn’t a sickness. It wasn’t something that neededfixing.
Even if I wasn’t ready to tell the whole world, I could at least admit it to myself. I could stop fighting it. Stop feeling guilty for doing something that felt right. There was nothing sinful about being with Kyler. Nothing dirty or wrong.
“I…” A lump wedged itself in my throat. My hands shook. The words were rightthere. But fuck if it wasn’t the hardest thing I’d ever tried to say.
“I know, Price,” Gideon said after I’d gone quiet. “I know.”
Relief, but also frustration, washed through me. I was relieved he’d caught on and seemed okay with it, but frustrated that I hadn’t been able to say the words out loud.
Movies and TV shows made coming out look so easy. A teenager being like, “Mom, I’m gay.” Or calling over one of his friends and saying it. There were tears and hugs and then everything was fucking perfect.
The movies didn’t show the crippling fear. The doubt, insecurity, and self-loathing. And if they did, it was only because the movie ended tragically. Which fucking sucked. Those were our only choices: an unrealistic portrayal or one that gave the impression we weren’t meant to be happy.
“And what’s your stance on it?” I asked, staring a bit too intently out the window. I didn’t see what we passed, though. I was too busy bracing myself for his answer.
“My stance is we only have one life, Price,” Gideon responded. “Fuck who you want, love who you want, and don’t let people’s shitty opinions keep you from living your one life to the fullest.”
A wave of emotion crashed down on me. My eyes stung, and I cleared my throat.
“So, if I were to say that I really like Kyler?”
Gideon smirked. “Then, I’d say wrap it up before taking the plunge and try to keep the noise down so your bodyguard can get his rest.”
That’s all that was said on the matter. Gideon had, in his way, told me it was okay. That I needed to live my life the way I saw fit and damn everyone else.
Back at the hotel, I quickly washed in the shower before getting out and changing into baggy sweatpants that’d be easy to take off. For good measure, I used a bit of cologne, too.
Kyler knocked on the door minutes later.
