Page 92 of Declan
Chapter 22
Declan
“I’m pleased with your progress,” Dr. Warren said. “I can see how far you’ve come in the time I’ve known you. How do you feel?”
“Great,” I answered, folding my hands in my lap as I sat across from him. “To be honest, I used to think therapy was a bunch of bullshit, but you’ve changed my mind about it. Two months ago, I was in a dark place. And while I still have a ways to go before I’m out of the rabbit hole completely, I can see a flicker of light up ahead now.”
“AnAlice in Wonderlandreference. Interesting.” Dr. Warren’s smile was thoughtful and kind. “Do you feel like Alice?”
“Not really,” I said before pursing my lips. “Though, I guess I can relate to her in a way. She spent so much time chasing the rabbit that she kind of became blind to what was around her. The rabbit for me is the Declan the world sees. I chase after him, not wanting to lose sight of him, when really, I need to take a better look at myself. At the real me.”
“And who is the real you?”
“I’m still figuring it out, doc,” I answered and breathed out a light laugh. “But I know he’s not a skirt chaser like I’ve made the world believe.”
“You’ve been doing a lot of interviews lately for your new movie,” he said, looking over his notes. “How are you coping with that?”
I’d learned Dr. Warren did that. He’d touch on a deep topic before pulling back a bit to discuss something small and then he’d dive back in to the deeper stuff. It was a nice balance.
“Other than the annoyance of playing into the dating rumors with Jennifer, it’s going okay,” I answered. “Once the movie premieres, things will settle down. I doubt I keep the lie going until then, though. Jennifer’s sick of it, too.”
“Does she know?”
“No,” I answered, knowing what he was referring to. “She thinks I’m straight just like everyone else does.”
“Have you given any thought to what I said during our last visit?” Dr. Warren pushed his glasses back on his nose. He was pushing fifty and gray streaked his black hair, but he clearly kept in shape. The first time I met him, I’d thought he was handsome. “You know I’d never suggest something unless I firmly believed it’d help you. However, the decision is yours. I’m only here to help guide you is all.”
For nearly two months, I’d seen Dr. Warren three times a week. The first visit hadn’t gone well. I’d refused to talk about anything of significance and gotten defensive when he tried to poke at my wall. The second visit had been a little better. I’d talked about the pressure of being famous, but I hadn’t touched on any deeper issues. By the fourth visit, I’d finally started opening up to him about it.
And when I’d told him I was gay, the world hadn’t ended.
Instead, it’d been like a major weight lifted off my chest.
The good doctor had helped me a lot. Last week, he’d suggested I take charge and contact Kyler. I’d told him about the guilt I carried for ending things the way I had, and he said that by facing the guilt, I could start to release it. He’d suggested for me to call Kyler and ask how he was doing and let the conversation go from there.
“I’m not sure,” I said, studying my hands. “He’s better off without me in his life.”
“Why do you feel that way?”
I glanced back up at the doctor.
“Because of Mrs. Reese?” he added.
“No.” I shook my head. “I see how wrong she was now. Talking to you has changed the way I see myself. I…” My throat tightened. “I don’t feel disgusting anymore.”
“I’m happy to hear you say that, Declan.” Dr. Warren smiled. “Why do you feel Kyler is better off without you?”
“Because even though I’ve come to accept and even start to love who I am…I’m still not sure if I’m ready to face the world, you know? Kyler deserves someone who will step up and be the man he needs.”
“Tell me what you’re most afraid of about coming out.”
I had to think on my answer. The thought sparked several anxieties, but as I mulled them around in my head, I realized they were fears all men and women probably had about coming out. Rejection and criticism.
“The unknown,” I said at last. “I think what scares me most is not knowing what will happen once I do. Sure, my career is a concern, but I’ve seen enough actors come out over the years. All faced harsh criticism from haters, but they had people who supported them, too. So, I don’t know.”
“Change is never easy,” Dr. Warren said. “And yes, the unknown can be scary. But when you take on a role, you never know if the movie will tank, do you? It’s always a gamble. Nothing in life is ever guaranteed. The key is to never let the fear stop you from living. You’ll be judged no matter what you do.”
I swiped a thumb beneath my eye and cleared my throat.
