Page 52 of A Warrior's Heart
I stared at him, waiting for the question to follow.
“Did you enjoy what happened earlier?” he asked, down casting his eyes. “Between us, I mean. I’ve never kissed anyone before. I’m unsure if I did well.”
“You did fine.” A chuckle left me. That’s what had him worried? I stepped closer, slowly backing him up against the closed door. “More than fine actually.”
Troy’s violet eyes lifted to my face. “I liked kissing you.”
I liked it too, I wanted to say.
“We really shouldn’t do it again,” I said, despite my desire to do the opposite. I craved his taste and the feel of his soft body against mine. But a part of me felt wrong for wanting such a thing. He was an adult who could make his own decisions. However, it was difficult to separate my duty as his guard and the desire to have him as my lover. “I am a warrior above all else. Avalontis will always come first. There are plenty of men who could give you much more than I ever could. Women too. Whatever you prefer.”
He was beautiful enough to be with anyone he wanted.
“Spare me the shit, Mal.” Troy’s nostrils flared. “Why do you keep retreating from me?You’rethe one I want. How many times must I tell you before you believe me?” The anger suddenly dissipated. “I think I know why you fight me.”
“Why?”
The hard lines of his brow softened. “You can’t give me your heart because it still belongs to someone else.”
He licked his lips to wet them, a brief action that captured my full attention. I wanted to taste those lips again. His words registered, though, taking the fire from my veins and leaving me cold.
I squared my jaw and said nothing.
“You haven’t moved on from Aeon, have you?”
Hearing his name caused a pang in my heart. I recalled my late husband’s long lashes, his beautiful dark skin I had admired, kissed. I recalled the deep rasp of his voice, and how when he laughed, he did so with his whole body.
I missed him greatly. However, Ihadmoved on with my life. The true root of my fear went deeper.
“You’re mistaken,” I said. “I will always love Aeon, yet he’s not the reason I fight my feelings for you.”
“Then whatisthe reason?” Troy’s chin quivered. “Tell me.”
Because I’m scared.
The answer slammed into me, damn near taking the breath from my lungs. The last time I loved a man, I watched as he’d died. The pain had been worse than any physical wound I’d ever suffered. It had felt like my heart was ripped from my chest.
I feared falling in love and having that love torn from me again.
And as I stared down at Troy in that moment, I knew losing him would absolutely destroy me. I was already wrapped around his pretty little finger. If I allowed us to become even closer, there’d be no turning back for me.
“I do it for you,” I said instead of the truth. “I’m the only security you’ve ever known, and you’ve confused that sense of safety with romantic ideals. Kissing you earlier was a mistake.”
Troy flinched at my words. “A mistake? You’re a real ass, you know that?” He shoved against my chest with all his strength before rushing into his cabin and slamming the door behind him.
I touched the door, hating myself for upsetting him. Hating that I was a damned coward.
“Why do you do this to yourself, brother?” Reif asked.
I turned to him, fighting the burning behind my eyes. The burning in my heart. “Do what?”
“Deny yourself happiness.” A soft breeze swept through the long strands of his black hair. He normally kept it pulled back in a single braid, but he’d let it hang free after returning from a swim earlier that evening. “I’ve seen you with Troy these past years. He is precious to you.”
I stepped away from the door and approached the railing. The moonlit beach had too many shadows, too many places for an enemy to hide. Behind the trees. Behind the large rocks jutting from the water. I stared into the darkness, watching for any signs of movement.
“You can’t ignore me for forever.”
Sighing, I faced Reif. He’d come to stand beside me. “What does it matter if Troy is precious to me? We’re on a mission. We must focus on finding the trident before our enemy does.”
