Page 50 of Perfectly Us
But this? I feel alone.
Broken.
“Attraction,” I finally say. Whisper it, really. “I don’t experience attraction like most people.”
“Like physical attraction?”
“Kind of. But also no.” I comb my fingers over the top of my hair and pat down my bangs. I’m regretting the trim. I can’t hide behind them much anymore. “It’s hard to explain, Alex. I hardly understand it myself.”
Alex wraps his arms around his knees and looks over at me. “Can you try?”
“Okay.” I pause to clear my throat. “It’s like… I can look at someone and know they’re attractive. Aesthetically, I guess. When I first saw you, I thought you were really cute.”
He smiles. “I thought you were cute too.”
“That’s as far as it goes for me though. I’ll think someone’s hot, but the urge to act on it isn’t there.”
“You could be asexual,” Alex says.
I tilt my head at him. “Like a plant?”
He laughs and scoots closer to me. Probably because it’s getting chilly. “Look, I’m not a sexuality guru or anything. But I was watching a show one time where a character said they were asexual, and it got me curious, so I googled it. Basically, asexuality is where you don’t experience sexual attraction, or you experience it very rarely. It’s different for everyone though. Some asexual people still have sex and enjoy it, they just don’t have sexual attraction.”
“I’m confused.” The understatement of the damn century. “How can you enjoy sex and not be sexually attracted to someone? Aren’t they the same thing?”
“It can be totally confusing,” Alex says, laying his head on my shoulder. “I think what really made things click for me is when I read that sexualattractionand sexualdesireare completely different. Like, you can enjoy sex, love the feeling of it and the release, but not actually be sexually attracted to the person you’re with. There are some asexual people who don’t have a sex drive at all. That’s what I read anyway.”
I don’t know why, but tears sting my eyes. Perhaps I’m not as alone as I thought.
“So.” Heat creeps up my neck and into my cheeks. “If someone jacks off a lot but doesn’t feel that sexual urge around other people, they can still be asexual?”
“I think so.” He slides his arms around my waist in a side hug. “I don’t have all the answers, but we can learn together. If you want to.”
“I’d like that.” Emotion clogs in my throat as I rest my cheek on the top of his head. “Thanks, Alex.”
“For what?”
I relax more against him. “For being you.”
He’s the least judgmental person I’ve ever met. He’s beautiful and kind-hearted. Patient. Giving.
I’m the paper lantern, and he’s the fire that makes me fly high into the air.
Alex lifts his head from my shoulder and nuzzles my jaw. I turn my face and meet him for a soft kiss. I think kissing is its own language. When the words aren’t there, a kiss can say a hundred different things.
“Do you want to come over to my place?” I ask, our mouths centimeters apart.
I’m not ready for the night to end.
I’m not ready to fall back to the ground quite yet.
Chapter Eleven
Alex
The drive to Shiloh’s house is quiet. Our hands are linked between us, my thumb smoothing along his skin. Occasionally, he’ll squeeze my fingers and we’ll glance at each other, smile, and look away.
Is he asexual?
