Page 62 of Alastair
“And what did that bring me, Lazarus? Relationships that ended horribly. Lovers who died. It brought me grief and heartache. But now I see why it never worked with anyone else, why even when I loved a partner, it never felt quite right. Why I could never fully give myself to them.” I shoved against his chest. “Because deep down, so deep where my conscious mind couldn’t sense it, my soul knew it belonged with yours!”
He caught my wrist as I went to push him again. “Tantrums solve nothing.”
I jerked from his grip. “So I’m not supposed to be angry? I’m supposed to be understanding and then go on like you never told me?”
His puzzled expression made me believe that, yes, that was what he’d expected.
“Tell me why you’re so upset,” he said.
“Surely you aren’t that daft. I’ve already told you why.”
“Because I kept a secret from you? I’ve kept many. You weren’t this angry when you learned about Uriel’s intention for your souls and my knowledge of it, nor were you this outraged about me placing Kallias in the realm of the lost and not telling you. You’re a warrior, Alastair. You understand duty and obeying orders. So why are you so hurt by this?”
His question only pissed me off more. My heart squeezed, and my eyes stung.
“You’re right,” I said, taking a step back. “I’m a warrior, and as such, I have a war I need to fight. This discussion is getting us nowhere.”
“Alastair.” He grabbed my wrist again, preventing me from leaving.
“Let me go.” I tried to yank from his hold. “I said let me go!”
“I can’t!” Lazarus tightened his grip and spun me in toward his body, our chests pressing together. Then, softly, he said, “I can’t let you go. Gods, I know I should. This forbidden thing between us will only end in disaster. Surrendering would be disobeying an order. But I’ve fought it for so long. I’m not sure how much longer I can continue to do so.”
A sound rumbled in my throat, a mix between a whine and a growl. “All these years,” I croaked. “Things could’ve been different.”
I could’ve been happy.
With that thought, the true reason for my anger and hurt became clear. He had denied us that happiness. I could’ve been loved in the way that only a fated mate could love me—cherish me. He would’ve never seen me fall for anyone else, constantly being hurt.
“It’s not fair,” I said, not sure if I wanted to slam my fist against his chest or grab him by the nape and burrow in closer.
“Life rarely is.” Lazarus rested his head on mine.
“I hate you.” But I wrapped my arms around his waist. His winter apple scent enveloped me, soothing and heartbreaking at the same time.
“I deserve far worse than your hatred.”
That only made me hold him tighter. It was the first time we’d ever embraced like this, but it felt like we’d done it a million times. It felt right. “You said you agreed with the decision to seal our bond. Why? Was the idea of being with me so horrible?”
Was I not good enough for him?
Pride whined, a vibration that crept up my sternum and rested at the base of my throat.
“Love weakens those it touches,” Lazarus said. “It divides loyalties, forcing those affected to choose between duty and their heart’s desire. I feared you holding that power over me. When the council passed down their order to seal the bond, I’m ashamed to admit part of me was relieved.”
“And the other part of you?”
He slid a hand to the back of my neck and dropped his head to my shoulder. “I mourned what could have been. The warding blocked my emotion toward you. But as the years passed, some of that emotion slipped through the cracks.”
“Is that why you put distance between us?” I asked. After we caged Lucifer, Lazarus had given us the position as protectors of the mortal realm and visited regularly to pass down orders. But those visits lessened more and more as time passed. I had assumed it was because he’d trusted me to deal with things on my own—to lead my brothers without his constant supervision. It had been a source of my pride at the time. And now? It was like someone yanked on my insides.
“Yes. The more I was around you, the more I started to feel… and the less effective my warding magic seemed to be.”
Something else then occurred to me.
“Our telepathic connection… it didn’t start until after the night we caged Lucifer.” I had never been able to communicate with him prior to that. Every time I asked him why, he’d been evasive. My arrogance had then convinced me it was just another of my powers that had surfaced.
“My theory is fate’s connection between us was so strong that when I blocked the bond, it then took another form.” Lazarus brushed aside a strand of my hair. “Connecting our minds instead of our souls.”
