Page 130 of The Publicity Stunt
I look up. “I won’t,” I say. He doesn’t say anything back and more tears trickle down my face. “But I do need some time to process this.”
The faint glow of the streetlight creeps in, seeping into his tears, bringing them to life. “I didn’t know how else to fill the void you left, April.” His voice is quivering and the tears start trickling down his face. “I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry.” He takes two steps and buries his face into my lap.
I kiss his head. “I’m not mad at you. I promise. You chose to process your grief in a way you saw fit, and that’s okay. I still love you. I will always love you.”
He places his hands my waist, angling his face up at me. He scrunches the hem of my T-shirt. “I should’ve told you. I know that. I made a mistake. I’m sorry. Just, please, let me fix it. Tell me what to do and I’ll do it. I’ll do anything. Just please, don’t go.” He gets up on his knees and lowers his forehead to mine. “I love you.”
“I know.” I clamp my eyes shut and hug his head.I know you do.
Tears are streaming down his face and the heat from my own tears stings my cheeks. He brings his lips to mine. “I love you,” he whispers before pressing them against mine. Hard. “I love you,” he repeats, his voice low and filled with pain. He kisses me again, this time with more force.
And I kiss him back. Harder. He tastes like salty tears and regret. This is my least favorite kiss so far.
He brings his hand to the back of my hair, and I hold on to the hem of his T-shirt.
“I. Love. You,” he says.
I bring my hands to his chest and pull myself closer. He goes on repeating the words till they don’t make sense anymore. I can’t even look at him right now. I can’t watch him cry, knowing I’m the reason behind it. “I love you too, Parker. None of this changes that,” I say, my lips still tingling. I look at him and see a frown peek between his eyebrows. “But I can’t spend the night here.”
Disappointment flits across his face for maybe half a second, then he looks away, nodding slowly. All the pain, all the unsaid words—they’re all rising up, threatening to spill out of his mouth. I know they are. I can see them.
As I close the distance between us, his hands land back on my waist and I say, “I’m not leaving, Parker.” He takes a deep breath, still not meeting my eyes.
For the next few seconds, there’s nothing but complete silence in his apartment. Just the distant sound of people walking down his street. He closes his eyes and sighs. A few more minutes pass and he backs away from me, sitting on the edge of the coffee table in front of the couch. Somehow my heart breaks a little bit more.
“How do I trust that?” he whispers. “You left me when I needed you the most.”
I don’t say anything.
His voice is a low breath. “What happened, happened to both of us, and you just … you just left me.”
“I did.”
“Why didn’t you come back?” He looks up. “Instead, you just left. Like I meant nothing to you.”
“That’s not true.”
“No, it is.” He gets up. “All you had to do was stay with me. I know Holly needed you home, but you could’ve come back. You broke my heart, April.”
“I know.”
“And I still loved you. I still love you.”
His words are burning through my skin. The truth is burning through my skin. I wipe my eyes. “I know you loved me, Parker. I did, too. But that didn’t make it okay for you to constantly focus on me because your own emotions were too overwhelming. That’s not love.” My words cut through my throat like a knife. “I never wanted to hurt you—”
He cuts me off. “But you did. You did”—his voice breaks—“ and you think it didn’t hurt when you left? You think it didn’t hurt every day when I sat in our apartment and watched how empty your side of the bed was. Everything hurt so much, April,” he sighs. “Because you just left.”
I say nothing. No words. Because it’s all true. It’s all true and it all hurts.
“Logan died. Our friend died and you left.”
Silence. My heart shatters like a ball of glass free falling off a building, and I feel the shards pick me apart. I don’t know which broken piece to follow.
“And Shara,” he says, pain seeping in all over again. “I was going to sign the divorce papers this week and mail them back to the courthouse. I was too scared to lose you again.“
“I understand,” I say and he lifts his gaze to meet mine. “I can’t take back what I did, Parker. And I’m sorry. But it was hard for me too. You did save me, and for that I’m …”Eternally gratefulfeels like the wrong thing to say. “We were kids. What happened shouldn’t have happened, but it did, and none of us handled it well. I left, and you—you gave up your dream and married Logan’s girlfriend. I went to therapy for years and I’m still having nightmares.”
His eyes go warm and heavy. The back of my nose burns. “Why did you marry her?”
