Page 243 of The Night Shift
She doesn’t say anything.
I bite the inside of my cheek so hard I taste blood. My fingers curl against my thigh. My lungs aren’t cooperating, and my chest feels like it’s collapsing inward.
“I don’t know when it happened. Or how. Or why it had to be him, of all people.” The words scrape up my throat like glass. “But it is.” My eyes blur again, and this time I don’t wipe them. I let the tears fall, hot and silent, onto my shoes. “I’ve been trying so hard not to need anyone. I thought that was the whole point. To survive alone and stay sharp, and never ever let anyone close enough to fuck me up again. But I let him in. And now he’s…he might…” My voice shatters. I press a shaking hand to my mouth and squeeze my eyes shut, like maybe if I stop talking, I can still undo everything.
But it’s already out. It’s already real.
I drop my hand, open my eyes, and force myself to say it, wishing I was saying it to him instead. “I think he might be my favorite person in the whole world, and I don’t know what I’ll do if he doesn’t wake up again.”
“Oh, Holly,” Audrey’s hand lifts like she wants to offer comfort. I flinch away without thinking.
“I don’t like being touched.”
She pulls her hand back immediately. “I’m sorry.”
I shake my head. A pause. “I don’t know what to do. I keep thinking, over and over, he’s in there because of me. Because I thought I could handle it. That I could outsmart her. That if I could just make her shoot me instead, she’d leave him alone. But she didn’t. He’s hurt because of me. I caused it. And I never — God, Audrey, I never wanted to hurt him. That was never my intention.”
She looks at me like I’m a wounded bird.
“I don’t even care that my best friend betrayed me in a way so calculated I should be screaming about it. I can’t even bring myself to care. I just want him to be okay.” My eyes burn. “I just want him to open his eyes and say something arrogant and insufferable so I can roll mine and pretend it doesn’t make my whole fucking day. I don’t want him to die, Audrey.”
Her voice is gentle. “He isn’t dying, Holly. You said so yourself. He’s going to wake up.”
“I keep replaying every single thing I ever said to him. The way I treated him. The amount of times I told him to go fuck himself, or that I didn’t care, when I could’ve just been…kind. But it doesn’t come naturally to me. Being nice to his kind.”
“His kind?” Audrey asks.
“Men. They don’t deserve it.”
She nods, agreeing.
“But he’s…different. He always was. And deep down, I think I knew it.” A bitter laugh slips out. “It’s pathetic, honestly. He literally stalked me, not that I have any moral pedestal to stand on, but still. I should’ve bolted. But I didn’t. Because even when I was furious, I felt safe.”
I meet her eyes. “You know how rare that is for someone like me? I’ve never felt that safe with anyone. Not even my own sister. Not until Theo. With him, it’s…my world’s brighter with him in it. I don’t have to perform. I don’t have to smile or cut the sharp parts off. I just exist, and he looks at me like that’s enough. LikeI’menough.” I wipe my face, angry at myself for crying. “He’s always treated me like I was the most delicate thing in the world. I hated how much I craved that. Before I met him, I thought I was going to be stuck forever. I watched April find love and I thought, good for her, but that’s not in the cards for me. I’m too ruined. Too broken. Too cruel and empty. I thought if I can’t be loved, then I must at least be feared.”
My voice drops to a whisper.
“But then Theo happened. He saved me. He showed up with his stupid sarcasm and his dumb fucking dimples and his infuriating confidence. He walked in and cracked something open that I didn’t want touched. He cares about me so effortlessly, it makes me believe that maybe I’m not so hard to care about. He ruined my ability to stay numb, and a part of me hated him for that.”
Audrey goes on watching me. “Hated?”
“Yeah, hated. Because now I’m so horribly in love with that man, I can’t even breathe right.” Another tear hits the pavement. “You know the first time we kissed, I had this buzzing sensation inside me. I thought it was butterflies, or just the excitement of kissing someone for the first time.”
“It wasn’t?”
I shake my head. “It was grief. Anticipatory grief programmed into me like code. I hadn’t even lost him yet. Didn’t even know I loved him. But I already missed him. I was already writing the eulogy in my head because that’s just how it works for me. I didn’t want to love him, Audrey. I really tried not to. I don’t know how to survive losing him. I don’t think I can.”
Audrey’s eyes hold mine. She doesn’t say anything.
“What? No more wise words?”
“I think you’re wrong.”
“About being in love with him? Trust me, I wish I was.”
“No.” Her voice is firmer now. “About not being able to survive losing him. I’m not saying you’ll lose him. I’m saying you’ve survived worse. You’ve survived things that should’ve broken you. Things that broke me. But you’re still here. Still fighting.”
“I don’t want to fight anymore. I don’t want to be strong. I’m so tired. I just want to be happy and whole again.”
