Page 224 of The Night Shift
“Please,” she whispers.
I press my forehead to hers. “You don’t scare me, love.”
She exhales, ragged and trembling. “No, butyoudo.”
I freeze. “What?”
“You don’t get it.” Holly’s lashes are damp, catching what light is left in the car. “I’ve spentyearstrying not to feel like this. Since Aanya, since everything, I’ve trained myself to not want anything. To not get attached. To not care. Because the second I start to care, that’s when…that’s when it hurts. I’ve been crushed under it once. I barely survived it then, I can’t do it again.”
Her knuckles are white clutching my sweater like she can’t decide if she wants to push me away or not.
Her mouth pulls tight. Her eyes flick to mine.
“Sometimes I look at you and I want to kiss you. Sometimes I want to slam you into a wall just to make the noise in my head stop. You make me feel safe. Just admitting that makes me want to cut my tongue off. I shouldn’t need you. I hate that I do. I don’t want to depend on you like this.”
“Holly…”
She shakes her head, wiping the tears off her cheek. “No, you don’t understand the kind of things I’d be willing to do for you. Things I’ve done already. You should be repulsed, but you’re not. Youthinkyou know me, but you don’t. In theory, I might seem fun and fascinating. You’ll get on my nerves, and I’ll smack you, and you’ll think I’m flirting with you, and all of it will seem really, really fun. But eventually, you’ll realize that I’m also really insecure sometimes. I’m full of anger. I…I don’t trust, ever. Most days my brain works against me and it’s exhausting. It’s a lot of work for me, and it’ll be a lot of work for you, and I can’t promise that by the end of it, you’ll think it was worth it.”
Her words pierce through my chest. “Holly, I would never think you’re not worth it. You’re everything to me. How could I not think you’re worth it? I feel —”
“You feel nothing for me. You’re just curious — which is fine. People tend to be curious about things they should stay away from. It probably feels exciting. Touching someone like me. Fucking someone like me. But eventually, that feeling stops. Eventually, you realize you’re not just flirting with darkness, you’re stuck there. And when that happens — when you realize I’m not going to suddenly get better, or softer, or easier you’ll leave.”
Her eyes well. She swallows hard. “You think this is about hate? Hating you would’ve been easy. I could’ve lived with that. But you make me feel these…thingsI swore I’d never let myself feel again. You and your goddamn eyes and your stupid, relentless need to always be near me and to understand me and to kiss me, and I knew — I knew right away that if I let you get close, I’d lose every wall I spent years building.” She exhales. Her voice is splintered, but her spine stays straight. “I don’t hate you, Theo. I’mscaredof you. You make me believe I could be something else. Somethinggood. And that’s terrifying. Because what if that doesn’t happen? What if it’s a lie? What if one day I decide to quit killing and you don’t want me anymore? What if I reach out and you disappear —”
I catch her wrist and pull her close. Her mouth is inches away from mine now.
Her breath hitches.
“I don’t care if I scare you. You scare me too. Because I’ve never felt this way about anyone. I can’t think straight when you’re near. You eclipse everything. I don’t care if you stop killing people. I wouldn’t care if you decided to open a fucking knitting shop and live in a cottage with twelve cats. You don’t have to be anything but you. That’s the whole point.”
My thumb brushes her pulse, quick and fluttering beneath my touch. “You are more important than god. I want all of you. Your softness. Your violence. Your cold silences. Your smart mouth. I want you to break me and kiss me. I want you messy and angry and completely mine.”
She’s breathing hard now. Her jaw is tense, and tears crest her eyes. I can see how much she’s struggling not to bolt.
“Holly, you deserve more than anything I could ever give you. But everything I have, everything I am, it’s all yours.”
She shakes her head. “Please stop.”
“No.”
“Theo, I can’t do this again.”
“Yes, you can. With me. You go, I go. Remember? That’s how this works. There is no version of me that exists without you. I was made for you in every universe. You’re not a coincidence. You’re my constant.”
A tear slips down her cheek. Then another. “I don’t want you to get hurt because of me again.”
“Baby, you could never hurt me.”
“I’ve literally stabbed you two times.”
“I’m into it. Who cares? Stab me a hundred more times if it makes you happy.”
She shakes her head. More tears fall, splashing onto her lap. “I’m not a good person, Theo. Everyone around me gets hurt. I don’t want to hurt you, I —”
“Fuck, Holly, hurt me all you want. I promise to hold your hand through it. You’ll never be alone.”
Her face crumples. Her forehead is nearly touching mine. “Why are you like this?”
