Page 61 of The Story of You
This is a job for twenty-five-year Macallan. I pour two generous portions and set one in front of him. He gulps a sip unable to speak.
“For the record, I can think of a few times Oliver has obeyed me out of fear.” Not times I’m proud of. “But I’m glad he doesn’t remember them.”
Julius nods. “I’m never doing that again. He’s absolutely right. If he’ll let me, I’ll spend every day making it up to him.”
That’s a bit dramatic, but it’s the “right” thing to say. That’s how “normal” people analyze what just happened and the narrative they regurgitate so they can move along. On some level, I agree with him, but I can’t help spotting the weakness in that kind of thinking.
I’m not unmoved by Oliver’s hurt, but I’m not sorry I did what I did like Julius is. Could I go back in time, I would do it again even knowing the outcome, especially knowing it would be for the last time.
Oliver’s used my own logic against me. I want him to trust Julius—any man he’s with for that matter. Actions like these have consequences and that’s one of them so I won’t cross that line again. I will respect his wish.
But I stand by what we did.
What I feel now for Julius is a seed of respect that wasn’t there before. He knew what this would do to Oliver. He risked that to protect him. I like that. Not because I wanted Oliver hurt, but it’s an unfortunate consequence of protecting him at times.
Oliver and I have different definitions of what it means to make him a priority. What Julius did in this instance was mine.
Oliver’s laid out his.
But what’s Julius’s definition?
“What does it mean to you to make Oliver a priority?” I ask him.
“It lies somewhere in the middle of how you feel and how he feels. Like you, I can’t be any more than the summation of my rules, values, and beliefs. Trading my sanity for Oliver’s isn’t a viable long-term solution. I may have to risk his trust again in the future for what I feel are the right reasons, and I can trust that Oliver would understand my feelings on the matter. He could find a way to understand and even respect my way of thinking under particular circumstances—nothing is black and white. Oliver wouldn’t have given me a second glance if I was the sort of man who fell to his point of view when I didn’t agree with him just because we disagree. But in this case, I didn’t act from my own paradigm and because he knows something of what that is, he needs to be able to trust that I’ll act from my own set of values if nothing else. Even the ones he disagrees with. That’s what he’s really calling me out on.”
Hmm. I like that. I hope it doesn’t mean I have to like him. I can’t help but have respect for a man who consistently stands for what he feels to be right even when there’s risk and even when the whole world is shouting something else at him.
“He will forgive you.”
“He shouldn’t,” he says.
“Now you’re just feeling sorry for yourself. If I hear any more, I’m going to have my turn beating on you and it won’t be with words.”
“What will you do when he’s speaking to us again?”
“I won’t apologize. Oliver being my priority means I do what’s best for him even if he hates me for it—my prerogative as his parent—and I can tell you with certainty and evidence this has occurred many times over twenty-five years. He doesn’t have the life experience to know what’s best for him at times. But I hear him on this, and it wouldn’t be best for him to break the trust between you two. I will analyze all future scenarios with that in mind.”
He nods taking another hefty sip. “I am going to get on my knees and beg for forgiveness from him no matter who judges me for it. The only opinion that matters is his. My pride is meaningless in the face of his forgiveness.”
That’s good. I didn’t do this with the intent of finding out how they handle strife between them, but I’m glad I get to see it.
Perhaps I may someday approve of their marriage after all.
But definitely not today.
ChapterTwenty-One
Oliver ~ May 22nd, 2009
The last time I left home for Simon and Shane’s was different. If anything, leaving like that was too much and it’s made it less likely for me to be away from home at night. The thought of it crawls under my skin as terror-stricken writhing.
But it’s enough for them to think I could stay the night. They’ll worry and they should. Julius hasn’t texted, giving me the space I asked for, but of course, Silas has. He’s too much my dad to resist. It was a good text though.
I’ve heard you, Eaglet. You’re right. I want you to trust Julius and I won’t cross this boundary again.
It’s an honest response.Thisboundary. That means he’ll cross others when he feels he needs to. It’s the best I can hope for from Silas. In a way, it’s comforting because it’s normal. Parents do these things. I’ve seen it happen enough with my friends. Silas is more intense than the other parents, but fundamentally it’s the same thing.
He’s going to have to wait for a response.
