Page 74 of Broken Secrets
“How long did it go on?”
“About a year. Your mom didn’t know.”
“Until she found out she was pregnant.”
“Until we both found out we were pregnant,” Jeremy corrects. “Lilly told me about her pregnancy first, and I panicked. I knew I had to end things with her, figure out how totell your mom, try to salvage my marriage. Then three days later, your mom told me she was pregnant too.”
I try to imagine that moment, being twenty-two years old and discovering you’ve gotten two women pregnant simultaneously. It sounds like something from a soap opera, not real life.
“What did you do?”
“I made another series of terrible choices. I didn’t tell your mom about Lilly right away. I convinced myself I needed time to figure out the best way to handle the situation. I thought maybe I could end things with Lilly quietly, help support her and the baby financially, and focus on my marriage and you.”
“But Mom found out.”
“She found out after rekindling after our divorce.”
The pain in his voice is unmistakable. Whatever mistakes he made, he clearly regrets them deeply.
“She must have been devastated.”
“Yeah, and I am an idiot to this day.”
I think about Mom’s reaction to learning about Emma, the way she still struggles with seeing Jeremy after all these years. Some wounds run too deep to completely close.
“So how did you end up choosing Lilly and Emma over us?”
Jeremy sets down his fork and looks at me directly. “I didn’t choose them over you. I never chose them over you.”
“But you ended up with them.”
“I ended up trying to be responsible to both families and failing both of you in the process.” Jeremy leans back in his chair. “When you were born, I was there. I held you; I signed your birth certificate. I thought maybe your mom and I could find a way to work through everything. But she couldn’t get past the betrayal, and I don’t blame her for that.”
“So she left.”
“She told me she was taking you to California to visit her aunt for a few weeks. She needed space to think, time to figure out what she wanted to do. I thought it was temporary.”
“But it wasn’t.”
“Three weeks later, I got legal papers. She’d filed for divorce, requested full custody, and established residence in California. Her lawyer made it clear that if I tried to fight for custody or visitation, she would disappear with you completely. Move somewhere I’d never find you.”
The casual way he says it makes my stomach clench. “She threatened to disappear?”
“The exact words were that she would ‘relocate to ensure the child’s safety and wellbeing if the father proved to be a disruptive influence.’ Her lawyer said they had evidence I was an unfit parent due to my ‘moral failures’ and inability to maintain stable relationships.”
“So you gave up?”
“I made a deal. I agreed not to pursue custody in exchange for being allowed to send financial support. Five hundred dollars a month to help with your expenses, with the understanding your mom would decide how much contact, if any, was appropriate as you got older.”
“But she never allowed any contact.”
“Every birthday, every Christmas, every major milestone, I sent cards and letters. Some came back unopened. I sent photos of myself so you’d know what I looked like, school pictures of Emma so you’d know you had a sister. All returned.”
My eyes fill with tears I don’t expect. “I never got any of it.”
“I figured as much.”
“You could have kept trying.”
