Page 48 of Until Next Time
Dawsen
I’m such a fucking asshole.
I knew better. I knew I was saying too much. I knew what I was doing. I’m a selfish ass who so badly wanted to hear that she wanted me too.
And she does. And I fucking ran.
Because I won’t let myself touch her. I don’t deserve her. I’ll never let myself go there. So I ran. Like a coward.
This whole day has been such a terrible series of events.
And now I somehow have to pick up these pieces and figure out where to go from here without looking like a total prick, which is just inevitable at this point.
I’m going to need more than just a walk through this parking lot though.
And fuck. It’s cold.
I take a deep breath and slide the key card into the slot on the door.
I press open the door and there she is, sitting in the bed, right where I left her. Like she’s been frozen in time or something. I had kind of hoped she’d just went to sleep and we’d wake up and pretend none of this ever happened.
So much for wishful thinking. I know better.
“Hey.” Is all I say.
“Dawsen.” Is all she says.
I stand there, dueling eye contact with her.
I rub the back of my neck, and pace across the room slowly to her side of the bed. Her eyes follow me and I sit down next to her. I reach out for her hand. Because I need her to really hear me.
Her hand is between both of mine. It feels so small, so fragile. And I’ve longed to feel this, and at the same time, this breaks my fucking heart.
“Listen. This has all been really shitty of me. I shouldn’t have said the things I said when I have no way to follow through with any of it. It was selfish of me. I just felt like I was going to literally explode being close to you like this and to not tell you what I’ve been wanting to tell you for years. But I know it wasn’t right. I took advantage of the situation.”
“Stop saying that.” She huffs out, pulling her hand out of mine.
“Saying what?”
“That you can’t have me. That you can’t ‘follow through with any of it’” She puts that last part in air quotes and rolls her eyes.
“It feels like you’re trying to make my choices for me. And quite frankly it’s annoying.”
“Birdie, I can’t explain it, but you just have to trust me. You don’t want to be with me, even if you think you do, or think youmight someday. I can’t be that guy.” I say, trying to get her to understand something that I hardly understand myself.
Her eyes are welling up with tears, and it physically hurts knowing I’m the one who put them there.
“I need to sleep. I don’t understand what’s happening and it’s hurting, and I need to not be looking at you right now.” She says, sliding back on the bad further away from me.
“Okay.” I say, raising my hands in retreat. I stand up, and make my way to the light switch. I flick it off and slide back into the bed. We’re back to back with what feels like miles between us, and I force my eyes to close, and pray for sleep.
* * *
The sun peeking through the window wakes me up. I begin to shift when I realize Birdie is tucked into my side. Her leg is hanging over mine and her hand is laying flat on my chest. I go still, not wanting to make any sudden movements. I want to live in this moment forever.
And here I am, being wholly selfish again. Knowing when she wakes up, she’ll retreat and I won’t get a moment like this again.
I lay still, trying to steady my breathing. I don’t want to wake her. I’m staring at the motel ceiling, and I’m thinking about my mom, and how much I miss her. I don’t usually give myself the time or space to miss her, and I start to feel guilty with that realization.
