Page 47 of Until Next Time
What.In.The.Fuck.
The man I’ve always thought was sort of indifferent to me… the man I’ve always wanted… its telling me he wants me too? My head feels hot and suddenly my limbs feel heavy and it almost feels like I can feel the blood coursing through my veins.
“Why have you never said anything to me?” I ask, my voice cracking a little bit from the sting of it all.
“I wanted to, plenty of times. But every time I was going to, something was in the way.” A long pause happened, and my heart aches knowing that all this time, all these years that I’ve wanted Dawsen Jones—he’s wanted me too.
“Then when you moved to the city, and the accident happened, any possibility of that happening died too. And quitehonestly, I still shouldn’t be saying any of this. You have a boyfriend, and this whole thing is so shitty of me. The beers just altered my sense of will power I guess.” He says, running his fingers through his hair, then bringing them to the back of his neck. He seems tense. He seems unsettled.
“First of all, I don’t have a boyfriend. Max and I have gone on one date. Let me just get that clear.” I say, holding out my thumb like I’m going to start listing points.
I’ve crossed my legs and sat up straighter to face him. I’m almost peering down at him in his laid back position.
“And second. Do you know how hard it is for me to hear this right now? You do realize how many years I’ve spent thinking about you? Going on dates with men and comparing every single one of them to you, knowing they’re just never going measure up?” I take a breath.
“Then I come home, and there you are again—” Dawsen reaches over and sets his hand on my knee as if to get me to stop talking. I look at his hand, then at his eyes that have turned dark.
“Bird. Don’t say this, please. I want you, I’ve made that foolishly clear tonight. But it’s just not possible. I can’t take knowing you feel even remotely the same way that I do. It’s just going to torture me.”
I’m confused. Why is he so set on this not happening. Why won’t he let this happen.
“Why is it impossible?” I say, my heart deflating, but my voice is inflating.
He sighs, and removes the covers, and stands up from the bed. He’s looking at me, and there’s just sadness spread across his face. And his body.
“Fuck, I should have never said anything tonight. This isn’t fair to you, Bird. I’m sorry.”
My throat feels thick, and my eyes sting. This all feels so unfair. He’s dangling his feelings and bearing his soul to melike bait, and now he’s retreating. Reeling it back in tightly. It’s hurting. Whatever is happening. Whatever strange thing is happening, and none of it is making sense.
“I’m gonna take a lap. I just need some air.” He turns and walks out the door. His jacket is still hanging over the chair.
I grab my phone off the side table and swipe open my text conversation with Casey, trying to catch my breath, needing comfort.
Me:Case. SOS. Dawsen and I had some beers tonight, and he ended up telling me that he has feelings for me. Or had. I don’t even know what’s going on right now but I’m spiraling and I feel like I’m going to have a panic attack.
I wait anxiously, hoping she’s awake. I stare at the screen and then relief hits me as soon as I see the little jumping dots appear.
Casey:Wait. What?!??!?!? How, When, WHAT. DETAILS, DAMMIT.
Me:Tonight’s cocktail of events: Beer. Rain. Romantic Lighting. Vulnerability? He said “You’re the only woman I’ve ever wanted.”
Me: Then he said, “it fucking kills me that I can’t have you for myself.”
Casey:Welll shit. Did you tell him he could have you ;)
Me:I was trying to. Then he got all weird, stopped me, and he left the room to go on a walk.
Casey:Smooth moves, Daws.
Me:Casey, I’m freaking out.
Casey:I don’t know, Bird. He’s always been broody like that. Can’t you just ask him what he means?
Me:He just walked in. I’ll call you in the morning.
Casey:Love you, good luck. ;)
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