Page 58 of Until Next Time
The way I crave this man, and how effortlessly he named his winery after me, like it was nothing. I take a deep breath, feeling like I can’t quite catch it.
“What’s stopping you, Dawsen? Why don’t you want to have me? And don’t give me some bullshit answer that explainsnothing. I deserve more than that. And you know damn well that I’m right.”
He sighs, and his brows are furrowed, and he moves his hand to my face, pushing my hair behind my ear.
“You’re right. You deserve more, andthat’swhy.”
“No, that’s bullshit. You don’t get to decide what I want or don’t want.” I spit out.
“It’s just complicated, Birdie.” He says, his tone is calm, but he’s on edge.
“It’s not complicated. It’s not complicated if you don’t want it to be.” My words are heated, and laced with frustration, with longing, with sadness.
There’s just silence between us now. My eyes are fixed on him, and I’m not backing down until I get a reasonable answer.
His head drops, he steps forward and brings his forehead to rest on mine. His hands find mine, and he starts tracing circles on them with his thumb. This is the most intimate moment I’ve ever had with Dawsen Jones, the closest I’ve ever been to him, and my heart is racing.
“When my mom died, I watched a part of my dad die too. I took the love of his life from him. My choices ruined him. I can’t ever bring her back. There’s nothing I can do about it, Birdie. I ruined my dad’s life, and I can’t let myself have the love of mine. I don’t deserve that. I don’t get to take that from my dad and have it for myself. I don’t deserve it…” His eyes are full of tears, and I can hear the pain in his voice.
“I know that might not make sense, but I have to live with the consequences of my actions.” He adds, and I know in that moment how much pain this man has been holding, how much anguish and regret he’s been living with.
I back away from him slightly. Putting space between us.
“So this is how you’re punishing yourself?”
He looks at me, his eyes wet, and with so much pain, he answers, “yes.”
My hands are shaking at his admission.
“Have you ever considered that your choice was actually punishing me too?” I say, my voice cracks and I can’t stop the tears now.
“I never knew of your feelings, I swear. I never intended for any of this to come out. I didn’t even realize the caliber of that interview when I agreed to it, and I was caught off guard by that question, I didn’t know what else to say.”
“So then what about that night in the motel? Were you caught off guard then too?” I ask, tears streaming down my face and anger in my voice.
Dawsen steps closer to me again.
“Yes. Dammit, I’m weak, Birdie.” He rubs his hands over his face.
“Well, you’re punishing me too, Dawsen. And that’s not fair. And I know your dad would be pissed at you for this.” I say, turning on my heel and grabbing the handle to his front door. Before I leave, I turn and say, “So figure it out, and let me know when you do.”
* * *
By the time I left the winery and got back to my car and got back home, Casey was already there.
When I walked in, my dad had 80s rock playing on his surround sound speakers that he’s very proud of, and I heard laughter filling the air. When I rounded the corner of the dining room, I saw my parents, River and Casey all sitting around playing a game of cards, and each one with a beer bottle nearby.
As soon as they noticed me, they all went quiet and my brother so lovingly asks, “What the hell happened to you?”
I see Casey smack the back of his head in a ‘you’re an idiot’ sort of way.
“You okay, Bird?!” Casey gets up and immediately comes over to hug me.
I reach into my bag and pull out a copy of the magazine and drop it into the center of the table, making a mess of their card decks.
“Have any of y’all seen this?” I bite.
They all look at each other with blank expressions, almost as if they’re wondering who is going to speak up first. I don’t have the patience.
