Page 61 of Until Next Time
If I close my eyes I can see her sitting there in her polka dot robe, fuzzy slippers and one of her silly coffee mugs and one of her Nora Robert’s novels. The thought of it is making my eyes sting.
“Dawsen, what’s going on?”
I take a breath, or at least I’m trying to get one.
“I’ve fucked everything up. Mom is gone because of me, I let my guard down, I got too close to Birdie, and I hurt her, and I just can’t stop replaying that night in the car with mom. I can’t get her face out of my mind, her face of disappointment and sadness. It’s like ingrained in my mind and I can’t get it out. It’s fucking branded on my heart, dad.” My fingers scrape through my hair, as if trying to claw the memories out.
I can’t breathe.
“Son, son, listen. Breathe.” My dad’s hand is on my shoulder.
“I can’t.” It’s in this moment I feel everything inside of me just shatter.
Before I can make another move, my dad’s moved his chair right in front of me and he pulls me into his embrace.
My dad’s hugging me, and that’s when I lose it. I can’t hold back my tears.
I don’t think I’ve ever cried like this.
I cried when mom died, but I don’t think I’ve ever fully let my guard down. I couldn’t. I had to be strong for my dad. I didn’tdeserve to come undone. It was my doing. I was the one with blood on my hands.
“I’m so sorry, dad. I’m so sorry.”
“Shhh… shh.” My dad is rubbing my back.
“I’m sorry, dad. I’m so fucking sorry.” I say, the breaths are short and shallow in between and it physically hurts.
My dad, pulling me in closer, I can feel his breathing is unsteady, and I know he’s crying too.
“Son, breathe. Just breathe.”
We sit like this for a few minutes until I’m able to get my bearings. Until my breath starts to steady.
The tears mostly subside and my dad pulls back, putting his hands on either of my shoulders.
“Son, you’ve got to be easier on yourself. You can’t keep all of this bottled up. It’s eating you alive.”
My eyes sting, and my face feels numb.
“My bad decisions ruined your life dad. My bad decisions took everything from you. I don’t have a mom anymore. I don’t deserve happiness. I don’t deserve the forgiveness you keep giving me.”
“Dawsen, you’ve got this all wrong. You have misunderstood. You didn’t ruin my life, son.” He says this, so calmly, it’s soothing the pain in my chest.
“Your mom was the love of my life. She still is. Just in the same way that she is still very much your mother. Just because she isn’t here anymore, doesn’t mean she’s gone, Dawsen.”
My dad sighs and rubs his hand against the stubble on his face then presses his finger to my chest.
“She’s in here. She’s always going to be. Can’t you feel her still?” He asks, and another flood of tears fill my eyes.
“Life happens to all of us. It doesn’t go easy on anyone. We have choices we make and one of those choices is choosing to love someone. I chose to love your mother regardless of anythinglife threw at us. Unfortunately, life came down on us, it came down on us hard. But there’s not one ounce of regret that I have. I’d choose her everyday, I’d go through the pain of losing her all over again just to experience how sweet life was beside her. Your mother was my dream. She was a dream come true. The same way that your mother was my dream,youwereourdream too, son.”
He takes a breath, and my whole face is tight.
“You were our dream come true. We have always been so proud of you. Your choices have never made us love you more or love you less. There’s nothing you could ever do to change that. Life happens. It rained on you and I hard, son, but we’re so lucky we had the time with her that we did. And I’m so blessed to watch you grow into the man your mother and I always knew you were. But the successes and wins mean nothing if you don’t let go of the burden you’ve been lugging around.”
“I wish I could take back everything from that night and do it all over again.”
Dad chuckles under his breath.
