Page 13 of Empty Heat
We did not take that lightly.
We walked back to the barracks together and hugged each other good night. We were professional confidants and that’s as far as we went. We had never spent personal time together.
Some of the staff did have affairs. There were no non-fraternizing rules here, but because of the nature of our work, we were asked to be discreet. We weren’t expected to lead celibate lives outside of our work. Some had lovers on the mainland they visited a few times a year. The vacation time allowed on our contracts was generous. And those who had mates who chose to stay lived together in the barracks.
I went to my room alone, relishing the comfort of my bed.
I had been here long enough to earn a corner room on the fourth floor, which meant I had views to the north and the west. Some taller trees swayed outside my big windows, but they were far enough away not to completely block the sea and the twining jungle. I always kept my curtains open.
Tonight, my view was dark. No moon yet. The light of our establishment drifted only far enough to linger on various big leaves. Starlight showed where the night ocean and sky met, and reflected dimly off the pale beach.
I could not get Callum off my mind.
Though I had not examined him myself, from Rhodes’ reports I instinctively knew Callum’s physical characteristics meant he needed more care from sexual partners. If only he could learn to ask for it— but sometimes that wasn’t always comfortable for people. I had other ideas for him. He might be able to train and stretch himself with differently sized plugs before sexual escapades, but would he be open to it?
I had patients in the past who, especially if they were older, had closed minds to sex and that made helping them more of a challenge. Some left the island with all the information and help we could give, yet still chose not to implement changes. That was always up to the individual. And usually the better doctors, like Sedonis, did not prescribe Omega Island to patients he determined were too closed-minded to benefit.
But Callum was young. Callum wanted to have a family someday. He was amenable to suggestion.
Which made my job doubly hard, also, because my team was asking me to deceive him.
I lay back on my bed, lights off, staring out my windows at the starry sky.
I heard Callum’s voice in my mind say,I love the sounds the ocean makes.
He was extremely attractive, with a muscular build that hid all ideas that he might be formed small anywhere on his body. He was of medium height for an omega, with broad shoulders and, from what I could tell beneath his kimono, firm all over. He wore his brown hair short, moussed and combed back until it shone like a thick cap all over his head. My mind wanted to describe the intense blue of his eyes as startling. Or electric.
I usually gave no thought to the appearance or attractiveness of my clients. They were all my patients, all needing help, and I dedicated myself one hundred percent to them while working. I did not care if they were large or small, heavy or light, old or young, dark or light. I never discriminated. My tastes were for the health and welfare of all omegas.
But Callum caught me peeking from behind my own well-shut curtain of personal fantasy, one where some day, after I grew tired of this job, I might find a mate.
I had been immediately drawn to him.
All day after our shared lemonade on Callum’s porch, I had told myself it was only my healer instincts awakening. I was gifted in my work and I could not deny the deep longing inside me to help others. The gratification made me feel good, and I never looked upon that selfishness as wrong or bad. It was what helped me find excellent sexual connections to my patients so their rehabilitation from whatever problems they suffered from moved them forward in their personal lives.
But Callum drew me deeper. We’d barely met and talked. Yet I wanted him, which was rare. I could always perform sexually for omegas, but did I want them beyond my desire to heal? That was a very uncommon thing for me to feel.
It was a fine line for me to walk where I definitely made efforts to connect to my clients, but kept my non-healer self private. I worked with an open heart and mind, but always toward the end result of healing. The means to that end gave me a lot of leeway to release physical pleasure in my clients, even creating feelings of empathy and protectiveness, but it all ended when the patient’s therapy was over.
But Callum occupied my thoughts even as I closed my eyes for sleep, even as I said goodbye for the evening to my analytical mind and rocked into my dreams.
Several times I woke in the night to feel and smell him next to me in my bed only to realize it had been a dream.
Guilt washed over me at my own deception in this healing.
I finally got a few more hours of restless sleep.
When I woke, I wrote an email to the team about Callum and my displeasure at the continued dishonesty in his case, and gave them my professional view that it would do more harm than good in the long run.
I reiterated to them that I was still heavily considering taking myself off Callum’s case and they should be ready with a backup plan.
I sent the email wondering why I hadn’t already pulled myself off the case.
The only answer I could give myself was that I had a strong pull toward Callum. I needed to see him again, at least one more time.
5
Callum –Heart of Shame
