Page 16 of Empty Heat
A new thought accompanied my musings and a sharpness twisted in my stomach. Later today, or tomorrow, I’d be in heat. What would happen then?
I put my fork down.
The hash browns had indeed been the best I’d ever tasted, but I could not eat another bite. A prickling of warmth went up and down my arms and legs.
I wanted everything to go on like it was now. A good meal with two nice people and tasty food. No pressure from any side. No expectations. I hated knowing all that would change.
When Rhodes and I returned to my cabin, we let Lev get back to work. I didn’t want him to go. I was enjoying his presence far too much. I wanted him around. Like air in my lungs.
But I said nothing. This wasn’t a real vacation. This was a rehab facility.
Rhodes and I sat in the air-conditioned living room of my cabin. Time for real talk.
“I’m nervous,” I confessed.
“You seemed very well at breakfast. Tell me what’s going on.”
“I’m nervous about meeting Soren. I know I need to do this, but it has me off and on anxious.”
“Nothing will happen here that you don’t want to have happen,” Rhodes reassured.
“I know, but I feel like I have to take advantage of this opportunity. I’ve got to get myself to the point of finding out if I can ever even have a mate. I won’t know unless the sex surrogate works with me. We have to find out together.” I looked directly at Rhodes. “All three of us, I mean. You’ll be there, right? I want you there.”
“Of course. I can be in the room or not. It’s all up to you and your comfort levels.”
I nodded. “And,” I added. “I’m glad Lev came to breakfast with us. I think having him around is also helping me. I mean, the fact that he’s an alpha and he doesn’t make me nervous at all is good. Right?”
“Of course. Everything about this place is geared toward your well-being and healing. Even Lev.”
I smiled. “Yeah. It’s sort of nice knowing he’s around, attending to the wild things so to speak. Getting his hands in the earth. It’s a lovely image, actually.”
“Have you been thinking about him?” Rhodes asked.
I shrugged, embarrassed until I realized I didn’t have to feel that way here. “A little.”
“Is that odd for you?”
“Maybe.” Was it really that odd for me to think about alphas? In my fantasy life where everything was controlled by me, no. In my real life, yes. “Yes and no.”
“Explain.”
We spent the next half an hour talking about fantasy versus reality. I wasn’t sure if our conversation was helping Rhodes to figure me out. I didn’t mind answering his questions, but this was still the preliminaries for me. I was facing so much more.
When Rhodes brought up my first time again, I got a little frustrated. He asked me how I felt when I’d told my partner he was hurting me and he didn’t stop.
“To be truthful, I felt like I didn’t matter to him. Like I didn’t exist.” And there it was. For some reason I couldn’t explain, tears filled my eyes.
Rhodes moved on the couch closer to me. “That’s a very difficult thing to deal with in any vulnerable situation. For anyone.”
“I guess.” I blinked.
“At that point, it appears he did not consider you a part of the transaction except for him to complete his own pleasure.”
“Yeah.”
“That’s not how a healthy dating relationship—or sex life—should be.”
I agreed. However, I didn’t feel I’d had much control. “But I’m already at a disadvantage. And not informed enough or secure enough to educate my partners on my condition, either. And what if there is still pain? So, it’s pretty hopeless from my point of view.”
