Page 28 of Empty Heat
Callum had specifically asked me not to write notes. But if I had, would I have included that I wanted to show him how wonderful he could befora lover andasa lover? That I respected him and thought he deserved everything in life he could ever want?
I thought that about every patient I saw, but not in so many words. Callum brought out those thoughts. He was more alive for me. More than just a patient maybe because he’d really neverbeenmy patient to begin with.
I hadn’t approached him as a surrogate, so I’d left myself more open and vulnerable. I’d been less of the therapist and more just me, Lev, who had dropped certain professional barriers as I was told to befriend him on a level other than therapy.
That had to be it. It couldn’t be more than that.
But as I moved from my desk to my couch and lay back to relax, I couldn’t stop thinking about him. I couldn’t stop seeing his stricken face as he looked out to sea this morning and faced being left alone by two people he’d quickly come to trust, a stranger in a strange land whose safety net had abruptly come cascading down around him only to be filled with innumerable holes.
I worried about my patients. Of course, I did. But never like this. Never while remembering their eyes that matched the far deep waters, their deep, soft smiles, the way their kimonos hugged their broad shoulders and fluttered about their tanned calves in the salty sea winds.
9
Callum –Senta and Soren
The world was not ending. No, it wasn’t.
Rhodes wanted to talk more.
My heat was coming and I couldn’t get Lev off my mind.
Before going to meet my actual surrogate at the pool, the owner of Omega Island texted Rhodes and said he wanted to meet with me.
Too much too fast. What I wanted was a nap. I put off the meeting.
Rhodes left to let me rest, promising to return before our scheduled private swim with Soren. He’d moved it back an hour to three o’clock to accommodate me.
I lay back on the crisp, clean white sheets of my bed in a chilled room with fresh flowers of varieties I had never seen. Everything surrounding me was so beautiful, this stunning reality like a dream.
I closed my eyes and assessed my body for signs of heat. Nothing. I felt good, just overwhelmed.
I thought about my mental state. I didn’t feel angry, but a sense of distrust, my biggest flaw, permeated my thoughts. How people saw me, what they thought—it shouldn’t matter, but it did.
I’d learned to work within that scope of myself, to laugh and joke and be normal. But I wasn’t normal. Not if I ever wanted a family.
I was only twenty-five. I had time. But a future all alone looked glum. I might not worry for ten more years, but once those years were up, it would be quite late to start finding solutions. Once I had graduated college and gotten a job with benefits, I hit the doctors hard. And ended up here.
I told myself I could still make this work. No rule said I had to go with Soren. But maybe I would like him. Or, I could meet other surrogates. As Rhodes kept reminding me, I had a say in my treatment.
But my mind kept going back to Lev. I kept replaying his words telling me how the sea called far beyond its reach toward something unknown. The sea wasn’t really sentient, but I fantasized about that. A sentient sea. I fantasized that if Lev had been my surrogate, I would have been able to look him in the face and smile, and maybe even trust, because we had that awesome story between us.
I kept my eyes shut and pictured him with me, sitting on the edge of the bed, maybe holding my hand, maybe talking to me in his low, calm voice.
Suddenly, I jerked up, hearing a crash.
I’d fallen asleep and now the room’s windows were dark. Thunder boomed. Rain pattered against the glass and the roof.
At first, I had the thought: Maybe we won’t go swimming after all.
But I remembered the squalls lasted minutes. They passed quickly and the sun would be out again, the land shimmering like diamonds under the return of the humid light.
I checked the time. I’d slept soundly for an hour.
I lay back and listened to the storm, the quiet shadows wrapping me like a blanket.
Soon, the rain let up. I rose and put on red swim trunks beneath a white and black, sarong. I decided if I was going swimming, I didn’t need the kimono, too.
I went into the living room, which was empty.
