Page 10 of Empty Heat
“Did you let him lead?”
“Yes.”
“And did you question him? Or ask for anything specific from him?”
“Not that I can recall. It was a night that was supposed to be fun.” I paused, thinking back. All I usually remembered about the incident was the end result. My partner had yelled obscenities at me and fled. I’d had to take antibiotics for two weeks.
“And was it fun?”
I slowly shook my head. “I didn’t have any experience. People said sex was fun. I wasn’t a prude. But I was inexperienced. Basically, I was eighteen and wanted to lose my virginity.”
“How did you choose him?”
“It was a party. My friends were all there. I admit I had a bit to drink and some bravado. They thought they could help me meet a cute guy and have a great night. My first time. I was about to go into heat, maybe first stages but not actually aroused yet because I’d been drinking. It was just a night with friends. So there was this alpha who seemed to like me and I went with him.”
“Just like that?”
“Yep. Just like that.”
“So you didn’t know him.”
“It was wrong, I guess,” I said softly.
“No one is judging here. There is no right or wrong. I’m simply trying to understand the dynamic. I got the impression he didn’t ask you what you might like. You didn’t know each other. He just wanted sex.”
“Well, yeah. And so did I.” I didn’t remember feeling aroused much, though. I only wanted to get it over with so I could say I was no longer a virgin. “That’s basically it. And then it wasn’t good. You know. When he started to knot I thought I was going to die.”
“Why?”
“The knife-like pain. I thought something inside me had broken. But that wasn’t true.”
“Your medical file says you had a torn rectum and abrasions along the anorectal line. That’s not nothing. Something had broken inside you.”
I shrugged, remembering how awful that had been. “Maybe that happened when I yanked myself away and ran into the bathroom when he began to yell and scream at me. Maybe after I told him to stop is when it happened.” I took a breath. It was all coming back like yesterday. Not the pain as much as the fear. Like I was dying.
I leaned forward and put my face in my hands.
“Callum.” Rhodes’ voice came out soft. “Callum. You’re not at fault.”
“But my body is. It’s all wrong.”
“If you told him to stop, there’s a reason. You felt something was wrong already.”
“Yeah.”
“And he didn’t stop?”
I hesitated. I wasn’t going there. It wasn’t his fault. It was mine. “It had been consensual up to that point. Somewhat.”
“Somewhat?”
“Well. I was in pain and told him but he didn’t hear me, I guess.”
Rhodes came to me then and sat beside me, putting his hand on my shoulder. “It wasn’t your fault.”
“I don’t think—”
“Hush. We’re going to help you. That’s why you’re here. There are many layers to this. And we’ll do our best to understand them all. I promise.”
