Page 21 of Broken Heat
“All right. Now that’s something we can also explore.”
I shook my head. A muscle in my sternum knotted, creating a cramp. “I should have been better. I should have been enough. I think it was my fault.” I looked up at Mykel, my vision blurred. “It was my fault!”
“Bonds form in different ways. Everyone is different. There is no blame.”
I sucked in a breath.
“Elon, do you understand that we’re uncovering details here, things that can help you now? Not to place blame on anyone, neither you nor Coah. Everyone is different. You loved Coah for his differences and it seems he also loved you. Yes, he was ten years your senior. Yes, he was an alpha. But now here you are. You are learning new things and how to explore them and get to know your new self.”
“It’s been three years, though. Why do I still feel this—this guilt?”
“Grief never entirely leaves. It may ease some, but it will always be with you. But you said you feel guilt. That we can deal with. And you are breaking free of some constraints you might have felt in the relationship. We can deal with that, too, and help you bloom and become yourself, whole and healthy.”
“Yes.” I consciously slowed my breathing to get control of my chaotic emotions. “I want that. That’s why I’m here.”
8
Mykel –Keep You
We had to go slower than Elon wanted. He was quick and intelligent and impatient. I liked that about him. In fact, everything about him was endearing to me, but I needed to keep things even. Steady.
We moved back into the living room and I prepared fresh glasses of iced tea.
Elon let his kimono hang loose like a robe. He seemed to prefer it without the belt, and I couldn’t blame him.
I asked him again about his bond with Coah. He dodged all specifics.
Finally, he looked at me. “You think something was wrong with our bond.” It was not a question.
“I don’t think anything was wrong. Every bond is unique. But the way you describe the connection, it was either one-sided, or very weak.”
He scratched the side of his head. “It doesn’t change anything, though. I still loved him, right?”
“I can’t answer that, but no, it doesn’t change things. For you to move forward, you need to understand the things about your relationship that still bring you memories accompanied by guilt.”
“I sometimes thought I wanted him more than he wanted me. But then he would get wonderfully possessive and I knew he loved me.”
The word possessive was used in a positive way by him, but it still concerned me. “You can move on from this.”
“I think Coah would want me to, but—”
“But what?”
“He didn’t want kids. If I want kids, would that be a betrayal?”
I leaned forward. “But this is why you’re here, isn’t it?”
He nodded.
“Of course it’s not a betrayal. You are free to go in whatever direction you decide.”
“I have secretly wondered if somewhere deep inside me I stopped my own heats.”
I had the same thought but was trained to make no assumptions. “Why?”
“Coah kept me on birth control. He would knot me fine during my heats, but once he got impatient with me. He told me if there was a way to stop them, it would be better for us. Ensure there were no accidents.”
His admission gave me a little shock, but I didn’t show it. In my therapist mind, I began to see Coah as borderline abusive. He didn’t properly bond his omega and he controlled him like a possession for fulfilling only his own needs. The narcissism of that left Elon pining for his love while he was still alive and now left behind to never meet that goal of true equal love.
