Page 3 of Broken Heat
Why, then, did a sudden flush touch my cheeks? It wasn’t about sex, or any talk of a sexual nature. No. It was about my failure.
“My rut cycle is normal. I had it two months ago which is when I took my vacation time.”
Senta nodded. “I had to ask.”
“I know. It’s all right. On the mainland, I had a partner—a friend—during my rut. I’ll admit that things between us were, uh, distant. We didn’t fight, but we parted awkwardly.” I took another sip of my tea. “I found out later from a mutual friend that Sani was beginning a new relationship with an alpha. He kept his appointment with me out of duty.” I sighed. “I wish he’d told me about his new lover because I would have sent him away. I felt so guilty.”
“That sounds tough.”
I nodded. “It’s not like I can’t go through my ruts alone. Now I feel I’ve lost that friendship. We’d been friends with benefits since college. Heats. Ruts. But mostly just enjoying our time together. We never took things further. We were both too independent. But we had loyalty. I haven’t heard from him since my rut.”
“Bond or no bond, Sani was your friend. That’s a loss. You are entitled to grieve.”
“Yes, I know. But it’s not to the point where it should affect my work.” The muscles of my face tightened. I was so disappointed in myself.
Senta’s dark-eyed gaze fell over me in a kind, soft way. “All right. But grief must be acknowledged. And that’s why we’re here. In your last two surrogacies, you did not produce knots which were required by the patients. And erections were not maintained. This is not a criticism, just the facts, Mykel. In five years, your performance has never been questioned. We all know that personal matters, like grief, may get in the way of work. Or the surrogate/patient compatibility fails despite our meticulous matching methods. It happens to everyone.”
“I agree.” Yet, the shame consumed me.
“What are your thoughts? For one patient, I would let this go. But two in a row—”
“I—I don’t know. It wasn’t anything to do with the patient. And I swear I was not thinking about my friend.”
“It’s perfectly all right if you were,” Senta said.
“If that was the case, I’d tell you.” I leaned forward. “I’m a therapist and I can’t make sense of this.” The tea glass slipped a little in my hands. I took another sip and set it on the edge of Senta’s desk.
Senta picked up his tablet, glanced at it, and put it down. “Well, we had you in for a physical and everything is normal. Everything.”
I let my lips form a small smile. “I’m not impotent.”
Senta echoed my smile. “It might be an easier problem to solve if you were.”
I let out a short grunt. Nervous.
“I have a series of questions I ask in these matters. I like to do them in person instead of online, but if you’re uncomfortable, you’ll let me know, okay?”
“I’ll cooperate in every way,” I assured him.
“Good. Have you met someone?”
I tilted my head. “Like a new lover? No.”
“Are you taking any sort of drugs or medication not updated in your files?
“No.”
“How about your sleeping habits? Have they changed?”
“No.”
“Now I am going to get more into specifics, all right?”
I shrugged and nodded at the same time.
“With, Leef, your first patient, who was dealing with heat-shame, your erection flagged without orgasm. You were not able to service him afterward, even with a sufficient rest period. Another surrogate had to be called. It happens.”
“But not with me.” A stinging fire went over my body at the memory. “And his particular case made me angry with myself. His shame came from feeling unworthy. Lack of an erection on my part could have done him more damage.”
