Page 4 of Broken Heat
Senta put his arm on the desk, leaning on it. “Don’t be so hard on yourself. Leef is a kind soul. He knew coming to the island that all our treatments are experimental and come with no guarantees. He completely accepted his replacement alpha and gave our facility five stars. He understood you had other things on your mind.”
ButIdidn’t understand it.
Senta continued. “Can you tell me your point of view of what happened to you during that session with Leef?”
“I have gone over and over it in my mind. I have never had arousal problems and love my work. I have techniques I use if I am feeling wrung out or tired and I did fall back on those. Some are personal fantasies. Others are simply reminding myself how much I love sex. And I do. It’s not a problem for me to give to another in that way.”
“But in this case, you lost the feeling?”
“Uh, I suppose that’s true. I still had empathy for my patient. I cared. But my body didn’t cooperate. I wanted to give him my knot. Honestly.”
“Yes. You handled yourself very professionally by reassuring Leef and calling for a replacement. He did not suffer. I want you to know that.”
I did know. But no matter how many times I had read the reports, it didn’t make me feel less guilty. I was a professional. I should have been able to pick myself up and move along with the treatment. I should have been able to regain my erection. It had never been difficult for me.
“Think about the moment it happened, that you lost physical sexual feeling, and we’ll get back to that. Now to the patient after Leef. Toro had come to the island because of a car accident resulting in physical injury in his lower body. He had to have extensive plastic surgery on his penis. After rehab he was learning again to feel in that area, as anal orgasms were not enough for him to have a happy sex life. He needed a hands-on approach, so he came here.”
I remembered Toro well. He was such sweet omega, so eager and willing to learn how to have fun again and not be self-conscious about the scars he had. I was to take him through his heat but could barely manage to begin. I could not get hard for him at all.
More embarrassment. This wasn’t like me.
“Talk to me about Toro.”
I opened my mouth. Nothing came out.
“Mykel. Something had to be on your mind.”
I picked up my tea again. Buying time.
“Take your time,” Senta said.
“This might sound strange. I haven’t really given it much thought, but I do remember thinking when I looked down at Toro that he wasn’t mine. It was the wrong omega. It was so fleeting. Like outside of time. The kind of thought you just let pass day to day because it doesn’t really mean anything. It’s just your ego talking trash and nothing to do with your job or the things you really love.”
“But you reacted.”
“I didn’t think I did,” I replied.
“But your body reacted.”
“Without my permission,” I added.
“Could it be your body telling you it’s time for a mate?”
Slowly, I shook my head. “I haven’t really had thoughts like that, though. Nothing about even wanting to begin to seek a mate. I always thought I’d wait. At least another five years when I’m in my mid-thirties and more ready to settle down.”
Senta leaned back, folding his hands over his stomach. “Our bodies sometimes do and say things without our permission.”
I let out a frustrated huff. “Not mine. I practice. I even meditate.”
“You’re very good at your job, I know.”
Senta was so gentle, so kind. I almost wanted him to yell. To put me in my place and tell me to get back to work. Maybe even a little hard smack with his palm on his desk to jar the sense back into me.
“Have you had breeding thoughts?” he asked.
“Hmm.” No one had asked me that. My chest tensed. I wasn’t shy. This should have been easy. Instead, I was behaving as if mortified at the very question. Maybe it was because he had hit on something. “Yes.”
“During your last rut?”
