Page 51 of Broken Heat
In surrogacy classes, we were taught to control our orgasms. We were not forbidden pleasure. Far from it. But it was the sort of thing we learned to be technical about, even in the moment of coming. It was like an automatic checklist in the mind, with the boxes being ticked off as we told the patient what to expect, what was about the happen. We surrogates were analytical about our job even if we loved it.
I had not been technical enough, nor at all analytical with Elon. I had let my mind wander. I had mixed up empathy with heart and allowed the affection to surface.
He stared at me now, aroused and expectant. Wide open. The whole point of the therapy was to open him up.
Now I was ordered to walk away.
Which felt like the absolute worst thing I could do to him.
Elon’s pink lips were parted, damp on the insides. His chest rose and fell as if he’d been exercising. His fists lay white-knuckled at the sides of his thighs.
If we were just two men at a resort away from this island and not patient and therapist, it would be easy. The pull between us could be acknowledged without guilt or risk.
But here, on Omega Island, he had to leave.
I glanced at my locked door. It seemed so far away. So thick and secure. A darker part of me whispered in my mind,Who has to know?
“Senta told me you’re not my surrogate anymore.” Elon spoke as if he’d read my mind. “We’re just two people now.” He looked lost for a moment, glancing around the room as if he’d just realized where he was. “I had to come.”
“It isn’t that easy.” I forced the words from my throat.
“I had to come,” he repeated. “Does that make any sense? If the outside door hadn’t been unlocked, if you hadn’t been on the first floor and I’d had to climb the outside of the building to get to your apartment, I would have.”
My mind was in a haze, not moving as quickly as usual, or with any clarity, but I forced myself to hear what he was saying.
“I couldn’tnotcome,” he continued. “Tell me what that means. Tell me why nothing matters right now to me but you. Why does the rest of the world seem like it all stopped? Why shouldn’t I have come to you when it feels so normal?”
“Like it’s meant to be,” I whispered.
It was painful to look at him six feet away, the coffee table an annoyance between us.
“Yes.” He looked as if he might start to sob.
No one has to know.
“It never felt likethisbefore, even with Coah.”
I cleared my throat. “Certainly his ruts affected you.” That was my therapist voice desperately fighting for control.
“Yes. But not to the point where I sought him. I always waited for him to come to me. I always prepared myself, then waited.” He looked up at me, eyes flashing. “I always waited. I can’t wait anymore!”
His words caused my vision to tunnel. The outside edges of my living room turned gray with little specks, then black. The only thing I could see was Elon, as if a spotlight shone on him. His presence became magnified to all my senses, sight, scent. It was as if I could hear his pulse in mine. Taste his energy spikes in every breath.
He got closer and closer to me. His mouth opened. His eyes widened.
That was when I realized I’d leaped over the coffee table and was now standing over him.
I forced my arms to remain stiff at my sides. But Elon moved and I was so sensitive I could hear the thin material of his kimono ride along his skin and smell the honeyed fragrance his every pore released.
His arms rose. He held them up, toward me, on either side of me.
I was falling.
17
Mykel –Out of Control
The ground seemed to move, and the air around me flickered as if glitter had been thrown. The sensation crashed through me, but Elon caught me and there could be no softer landing.
