Page 14 of Broken Heat
“Your name is beautiful. Were you named after a relative?”
I shook my head. “My parents just liked it, I guess. I know it means tree.”
“That’s a sturdy meaning. You pronounce it more like Ah-lawn.”
“Yes, I do.”
“Which means light. And that’s what we’re looking for with you, isn’t it? A feeling of light. Something you’ve been cut off from. And to find a way you can feel secure again.”
I couldn’t disagree.
“First and foremost, you have to be sure you really want to move on,” Mykel said. “No one can force you. No one can make you be someone you’re not. If you pretend just to please others, you will not heal.”
“I’m not pretending.”
Mykel turned to look at me.
“I’m only thirty. I was twenty-seven when Coah died. I’m not ready to stop wanting a future just because he’s gone. I have so much ahead of me and I realize I want that. I desire that future.”
“Good. It’s a start.”
“Shouldn’t it be enough? I mean, more than just a start. I want to experience things, have relationships, meet a mate, have kids someday. But every time I step forward to accomplish that it feels wrong. Just off. Like if it’s not Coah it can’t be right for me. I don’t want to feel that way. I’ve had so much therapy before coming here, but it doesn’t help.”
“Is that why you think being here won’t help, either?” Mykel asked.
“What? No. I never said that. But, well, maybe I did think it.”
“But you came anyway, which is a good sign. You really do want this.”
“I do want this. No offense to Coah,” I said with a sigh. “But he’s one being in the whole world. I don’t have to live the rest of my life alone just because he’s not here anymore. I can meet others. I am allowed.” I stopped, waiting to see how Mykel reacted.
His blue eyes flashed. “Are you asking me if you’re allowed?”
“No. I’m stating it. Coah had a tight hold on me, kept me close, liked to make all the decisions for us both, but I think he would have been upset to know I have lost my heats. He would want me to live a good life. He told me when he knew he was very very ill that I’d be okay, like him dying was no big deal. But I’m not.”
“Do you feel guilt over wanting a life without him?”
“Hmm. Maybe a little. But after three years, I’m ready. I swear I am more than ready. I’m lonely and tired of thinking how pissed he’d be if I looked at other alphas.”
“I think maybe he still has a hold on you.”
“He did. Yes. Coming back to myself over the past years I’m seeing a lot of things in perspective. I miss his intellect, but not the smothering. I miss his attention, but realize my own self was somewhat diluted by his alpha personality. But aren’t all alphas that way?”
“I’m an alpha and I can truthfully say we’re all different, just like omegas are all different. We come from different backgrounds, childhoods, personalities. We therapists might have a penchant for categorizing people, but everyone is unique. Everyone has their own story.”
I took a deep breath. “All right, then. I need to feel safe. I need to feel secure. And then I’ll be ready.”
“I can provide that.”
“And hands-on therapy—can that actually bring back my heats?”
“Inducing heats in omegas is a whole other conversation.”
I let my lips lift in a smile. “I thought so. That’s what I’m ready for.”
My hands formed into fists against the hard stone of our natural beachside bench. I dragged my knuckles over the pocked surface.
I looked at Mykel’s proud alpha profile against the drifting blue of sea and sky. “When do we start?”
