Page 20 of Broken Heat
I felt my eyes warm. I wanted to talk to him. I wanted to be open, but it was hard. “I guess Coah sort of just swept me off my feet. I wanted him all the time. My drive was for him. I would have wanted to make love six times a day at first, if he’d let me. But I understood he was older. And he was the alpha. He called the shots. Unless I was in heat, we made dates. You know, like Thursday nights. Weekends. That sort of thing.”
“Ah, was he a busy man?”
I stared at Mykel for a moment, then walked over and sat on the foot of the bed, motioning for him to do the same.
The mattress dipped beside me.
“He was very well off. He had an office but also worked from home. He made his own hours.”
“What did he do?”
“Consulting. Investing. Stuff I don’t even understand. He also had a law degree. He inherited his father’s business.”
“So the answer is yes, he was a busy man.”
I stared at my lap. My kimono, unbelted now, gaped at my naked chest and was starting to part at my waist. I had on bright blue clean swim trunks underneath.
“I—I guess.”
“Elon, do you ever think, even though you loved him very much, that maybe you wanted more? That maybe you felt alone even in your marriage?”
“No.” I spoke quick, without thought. Defensive. “Sorry, that’s not true.”
“Take your time. I have to ask difficult questions sometimes.”
“I know. The answer is, maybe. Maybe I felt, uh, well a little neglected.”
“Could you feel that through your bond?”
“Uh, no. Not really. He had a lot going on, friends, and corporate parties he had to deal with. Big dinners. Sometimes I went with him, sometimes not. He was very important. I was proud of him. I was lucky to be married to him.”
Mykel turned to face me. I couldn’t meet his eyes.
“Elon, you just said you felt neglected. And I’m sorry. If I’d known that sooner, I would not have hesitated at all when you asked for what you wanted and needed a few minutes ago.”
I felt my face scrunch up. “You don’t have to treat me with kid gloves. You are the professional and I know you operate on what’s in the best interest of your patients. I trust you.”
“The best interests of my patients are paramount, of course,” he replied, sounding so formal. “The more open and honest you can be with me, the more I can better determine what those interests are.”
“I get it. I guess I did want more from Coah at times. He was amazing. I waited for his touch every moment. I wanted to be whatever he wanted me to be. I wanted to do whatever he said.”
“It’s a little smothering when that happens in a relationship, but it can work.”
I frowned. “What do you mean ‘smothering’?”
“Everyone is different. But if a bond is light, or unequal, sometimes one or the other partner can’t flourish. Mostly, the bond is there to keep you connected so you can understand each other’s needs in an organic way outside of heats and ruts. So you can both continue to feel a connection that is intimate and aware.”
“Oh. Uh, well, with Coah, I adored him and I loved him. But I thought—” I stopped.
Mykel was telling me things I’d heard and read about. But they were more like the romance movies I’d watched. Not real. “I think bonds are exaggerated a bit in the way you’re describing. I mean, it’s not automatic, right? I learned to study Coah and listen to him hard to learn what he wanted and how. And when. He was the alpha in the relationship, after all, and I let him be that. I craved that.”
“From what I know, and hearing your descriptions, I might suggest your bond was perhaps not fully formed. But I’m not questioning your love.”
My mouth dropped open. “Not fully formed?”
“I don’t know that for sure. I can only assume based on your words. Would you say, despite your love and your relationship, that Coah was distant sometimes?”
I blinked, the guilt washing over me again. I didn’t want to admit it. But Mykel looked sincere and worried. He was my therapist. I could trust him. My voice came out a whisper. “Yes.”
