Page 23 of Broken Heat
I admitted many things to Jon. “If I had romantic feelings for Sani, I kept them well hidden from myself.”
“It’s deprivation. You left yourself closed, denying real feelings. It happens to everyone.”
“I didn’t want to jeopardize the friendship. Which was of value to me.”
I’d told him over and over how much Sani meant to me, but that mate bond feeling had never been right for us.
“Of course. That’s perfectly reasonable. It was a grand friendship, actually. A beautiful time in your life,” Jon said.
“We both always knew we’d one day meet someone else, too. It wasn’t like some surprise.”
“Yes, but listen to yourself, Mykel. You’re trying to brush it off as no big deal when it is. Sani’s new mate required not only exclusivity, which is normal, but he didn’t want Sani to see you again. You lost your friend. That’s huge.”
Certainly, I knew I was sad because I wouldn’t see Sani again. But when he said those words out loud, I finally realized a part of me had broken, almost as if someone had died.
Whenever I had looked at Elon these past two days I saw, despite his upbeat personality, a man trying to absorb something he couldn’t define. I saw his eyes haze over once in a while, only for a few seconds, but I knew that look. It was old hat to him, but fresh for me. Like a twin to my own scattered feelings.
Jon had told me I was afraid of that hurt which I had denied, and going back to work right away after my last rut with Sani was like asking someone to dip fingers into an open wound.
But I was ready now, and Elon aroused me. This was a good sign for me and, I hoped, for him as well.
“What are you thinking about so deeply?” Elon interrupted my thoughts.
I toyed with my tea. The island did not serve alcohol except at special event parties, but I thought I might have enjoyed some right about now, for I needed to answer Elon’s question honestly.
“About my own therapy for the past month.”
“You take therapy?”
“A lot of therapists do. We’re all human.”
“Oh. Sorry. I guess that was a very personal question.” He took a bite of his garlic mashed potatoes. “This food is heaven.”
“I told you before, you can ask me anything, Elon. Every therapist is different, but my approach is not to hide.”
His lips formed a soft smile. “That’s cool. Your approach, I mean.”
Just then, two dolphins jumped in tandem out of the surface of the lagoon and did a twist before falling onto their backs and disappearing into the depths.
“They know how to have fun,” Elon said.
“Yes. It’s nice to see them.”
Elon sneaked another personal question as we watched for more dolphins. “When you see your therapist, is it about work or just anything?”
“I saw one this past month concerning a long-time friend of mine who found a mate. His mate did not want us to have contact anymore.”
“Oh, I’m so sorry. That’s sad.”
“I understood why. We had a deal about seeing each other through heats and ruts as long as we were mate-less. After that, the deal was off. I just wasn’t prepared for the friendship to end as well.”
Elon leaned on his palm, staring at me. It was hard to look at each other directly when we sat side by side. “Do you miss him?”
“Of course.” My words came out rough.
“Thank you for telling me.”
When we walked back to Elon’s cabin, Elon suggested a detour. We went the long way, less lit and pocketed with shadows, behind the fenced private pools. It took us full circle around the front part of the parkland, nearer the wall of jungle on the east side.
