Page 24 of Broken Heat
As we slowly ambled through the dew-damp grass, my sandals got soaked. Elon wanted to know more about Sani.
“We traveled together a lot when we could coincide our vacation times. We were like brothers, except for the friends with benefits thing.”
“But you didn’t want to marry him?”
“No. We were far too independent from each other. Sex was a convenience and nothing more. We both knew that. We were decent in bed together but we didn’t want each other, if that makes any sense. Heats and ruts, that’s all. Between those times, we did not have sexual desire for each other. But I loved him.”
Elon was silent. We were in a particularly darkened section of the arena. At that moment, I felt Elon’s palm on my wrist. His fingers slipped low and his hand squeezed mine.
“I know how you feel.” His voice came out low and soft.
For a moment, I didn’t know what to think. Elon had been open and friendly since we met, but somewhat casual. He didn’t show the bigger feelings. He didn’t understand he still had barriers he needed to push through. Which was why I’d thought tonight’s hands-on therapy might be too soon.
I squeezed his hand in return and said, “Thank you.”
“You didn’t work during your therapy, did you?” he asked.
“Let’s go back to your living room and I’ll tell you the whole story.”
“Okay.” He swung out hands out a little. “Let’s go back.”
We reached his cabin fairly soon. I grabbed a towel to wash off my feet, planning on a shower before bed with Elon.
Then we sat with tea and I told Elon about my failed cases, about not being able to hold an erection.
“That never happened to you before?” he asked. “Performance anxiety?”
I raised my eyebrows. “Never.”
“But surely you’ve treated people with that problem.”
“I have. There are emotional and trust components involved. I very well know that.”
Elon pressed his hands on either side of his face and looked down at his feet. “And now you have me as your first after going through all that?”
I nodded, hoping I hadn’t revealed too much. But it was my way to be open and available to any of my patients.
Elon glanced up, watching me carefully with his intense blue eyes. “Can I say something?”
“Anything at all,” I replied.
“If you feel that way with me, like physically you can’t--don’t leave. Don’t call someone else. We’ll just talk. That’s what I want. I don’t care if you can’t stay aroused or any of that bullshit. I feel like this is right. That I trust you and I can have the therapy however that therapy pans out.”
Coming from a patient, his words stunned me. “You would be within your right to call for a replacement surrogate.”
“Then it would also be within my right to keep you.”
The way he spoke the words “keep you” took me right out of my therapist brain making this conversation feel very personal.
Elon continued. “Already, what you’ve told me makes me feel more relaxed around you.”
All I could think to say to reassure him was, “If the problem I had before happens, it would not be personal.”
Elon smiled, his top teeth pressing against his lower lip. “I know. That’s why I said I wouldn’t ask for another. I’d want to take any moments you give me as a chance to open up more.”
“Well.” I took a deep breath. “That quite impresses me.”
9
