Page 48 of Kit
“I love it. I love everything about this place. And everything you do.” My voice was softer, more babyish. I leaned back against his chest, my head lolling on his shoulder.
He rubbed my tummy with the hand that held me, then fed me some more.
“I’m glad you love it here. Because I love having you.”
“You definitely have me, Daddy.” He chuckled, his chest rising and falling against my back.
“Good boys need to finish their food so they can get big and smart.”
After breakfast was eaten and cleared away, Parker set me down with Christmas coloring books and my sippy cup at the coffee table. But I didn’t feel like sitting. I got up and went to our Christmas tree, marching in front of it.
“Christmas is coming. Santa is coming,” I chanted.
Parker picked me up and sat me in his lap on the couch. He had a stack of storybooks by his side.
“I’m going to read to you and see if that calms you down a bit.”
I loved reading. I loved illustrated storybooks. These were little Christmas stories about animals in the forest and kids building snowmen.
As Parker read to me in his flawless, actor’s voice, I let the heat of his body and his caring surround me. I’d had daddies try to care before, but not like this. They wanted to be good daddies, but they weren’t patient. Not like Parker. No one was like Parker.
I shut my eyes against sudden tears. I was falling. Falling so hard. My old fears threatened me. What if I was accidentally bad again? What if he didn’t want me after the holidays when he and I got busier and both went back to big boy work? I didn’t want it to end.
I opened my eyes. The room and the book were all watery and smeary. Parker turned the page to a pretty scene where a boy and his father and their dog walked up a snowy lane towing a Christmas tree on a sled. In the background was a driveway leading to a lit-up house that looked almost like Parker’s with arched windows and balconies. There was a distant silhouette of Santa and his reindeer and the magic sleigh high up in the light purple sky. The picture made me feel all winded inside, like I’d been running for miles.
I turned my face to Parker’s neck, sniffling back my unexpected tears. What was wrong with me?
Parker shifted, his arm tightening about my waist. “What is it, baby boy?”
I spoke into his jaw. “Don’t know.”
“You seem especially sensitive today. Daddy didn’t do anything to upset you, did he?”
“Never.” I put my arm around his neck and held him.
“Can you try to explain?”
“I’m very happy.” I went slowly, trying to understand myself. “At the same time, I’m afraid, too.”
“Of what?”
“That you won’t want me after Christmas. When all this is over.”
He put the book aside. “Let’s talk about this, then, sweetheart.”
“I don’t want to talk. I just want to be with you.” My voice was weirdly squeaky.
“I don’t want you to be afraid. I need to know your wants and needs so I can take care of you and be a proper daddy.”
“Reading the books is good, Daddy. It calms me. But I just maybe love it too much. Is that possible?”
“Maybe. And it makes you afraid because you don’t want to lose that feeling?”
“Yes. Like that.”
“You won’t, baby. I have no intention of letting you go now or after Christmas.”
I gulped. I loved hearing that. But who knew what the future really held?
