Page 17 of A Baby for Christmas
Ben
"You looked depressed today,"Lorene said, handing me another stack of papers to organize into our filing system at the shelter. We were doing good work here, really, but sometimes it was damn boringtoo.
"Relationship troubles," I waved her off, taking the papers and looking back at the computer on my desk. I'd picked the wrong words, though. Lorene grew even more interested in knowing what was wrong with menow.
"That's too bad," she said, coming around the desk, obviously hoping for some office gossip. "I didn't even know you were in arelationship."
"Actually, I'm not. It'scomplicated."
"I like complicated stories." She leaned against the desk, making herself comfortable. I wasn't gonna get rid of her, wasI?
"Don't you have work to do?" I asked, making a show of looking at the excel table on mycomputer.
"It's quiet right now. Everyone's fed and happy. Even our newest problemcase."
I swallowed as she mentioned 'our newest problem case.' Mitch Hastings had just come to us after escaping the exact same kind of domestic abuse I knew from home. He had a little one with him too, a cute girl only two years of age. I was glad he got out, but seeing these battered omegas always reminded me of mychildhood.
In a way, that was good, though. I could never forget where I'd come from, what I'd seen, what I could never let myself become. "I'm glad he's doing well," I made myself say past the lump in my throat. Honestly, you'd think my time working here would have numbed me to the tragedies of omegas, butno.
"Yeah, he's adjusting well. But back to the topic at hand." She grinned at me. "Who are youdating?"
"I'm not dating anyone." And that was the problem, wasn't it? The omega I loved was already taken by someone else. I tried not to think about it day in day out, but it wasimpossible.
"You said you had relationshiptroubles."
Ihadsaid that, hadn’t I? I leaned back in my chair and ran my hands through my hair. "The omega I like is seeing someone else. That’s all. I’m sure it happens to all of us." Although, maybe not. Lorene was a beta. But I was sure there was some beta guy or girl out there who'd caused her heartache at somepoint.
"I see." She nodded thoughtfully. "Does this omega know how you feel abouthim?"
I licked my lips, letting my gaze roam the office as I thought about this. My eyes stuck on one of the many colorful drawings on the wall. Drawings given to us by the children we'd sheltered here. Children with parents like mine. "I suppose he knows," I found myself saying. "But he also knows that we wouldn't work out. It's all pointless really." Why couldn't my heart accept that fact? Why did I keep thinking aboutit?
"Why couldn't you workout?"
Should I tell her? Would she understand? "He wants children," I started. "And I... I really don't think I should haveany."
"You don't like children?" She studied me as if she couldn't believe this to be true. "I wouldn't have thought. You're always so good with the kids staying with us, making them those paperanimals."
"It's called origami," I commented out of reflex. "And it's not that I don'tlikechildren. It's just... what if I turn into the sort of alpha who..." I trailed off, struggling for the right words to say. My fears all sounded so stupid when I put them into words. It was as if the monsters who lived inside my head became tiny once they left there and no one could ever see how terrifying they reallywere.
Lorene's eyebrows knitted together. "You're not going to become one of those alphas, Ben," she said in a soft but serious tone of voice. "I know it's a common worry for former children of abuse, but you also know what we try to teach them, right? We don't have to become our parents. Statistics showthat—"
"Please don't quote your statistics at me. I'm not astatistic."
Her lips curved up in triumph. "Exactly!"
Why did I feel like I'd walked right into her trap? "You don't know what it'slike."
"No, perhaps not, but give me some credit. You're hardly the first traumatized alpha I come across, even if we work mostly with omegashere."
I shot her a skeptical look. Traumatized alphas? Give me a break. The alphas were usually the ones whodidall the traumatizing. The omegas were the ones who really suffered in oursociety.
"Omegas don't own all the tragedy in the world," Lorene informed me, as if she could tell exactly what I was thinking. Okay, maybe she was better at her job than her unassuming demeanor let on. "Perhaps you should think about gettingtherapy."
"Therapy?"
"You don't have to look so shocked. You see how many kids we get here. Lots of them end up in therapy later on in life, no matter how much we do here. A few of them are alphas. There's nothing shameful about getting therapy as an alpha. You have to do what makes youhappy."
What makes me happy...The way she said it made it sound sosimple.
