Page 13 of The Dragon's Perfect Omega
"It's because I'm not..." I was about to say that I wasn't gay, but stopped myself. It felt too close to lying, and that didn't seem fair when Lowen was being so open with me. "I'm human and humans aren't like dragons," I said instead. "It's a little more complicated for us to hook up with members of the same sex." How was that for telling the truth? Sometimes I wished Iwasa dragon. Things would be easier then.
Lowen gave me a little smile. "I know for a fact that some of you do have sex with members of the same sex. You could say I've done some personal research on this matter."
I suppressed a groan. "It's not that easy, though. We have stuff like homophobia to deal with, and you guys don't."
That seemed to make Lowen think. He rubbed his chin, leaning back a little. "You're afraid what people might think of you if they knew you enjoyed having sex with men?"
"You don’t get it. It’s not like I’m an omega or anything. I don't even know if I would enjoy it," I threw in. Considering that I'd never tried it, there was no way to be sure. Part of me still hung on to that sliver of hope that I might not be gay after all, even while I was too chicken to put that theory to the test.
"What do you mean, you don't... Oh." Lowen stopped himself, his eyebrows climbing up his forehead when he finally understood what I was saying. "You're a virgin?"
"I'm not a virgin!" I made a decisive motion with my hand, shoving that claim away from me. I was twenty-one. I was not a virgin. "I've had sex!"
Lowen snorted in amusement. "You don't have to be so defensive. I believe you. Your emotions on this areveryclear."
"Don't read me." I crossed my arms in front of my chest.
"I can't help it. I'm picking up very strong signals from you."
"Signals?"
"You're emoting all over the place. Most people keep their emotions contained, well aside from my friend Finn anyway, but you're coloring over the lines. It goes everywhere."
I huffed. "You make me sound like I'm littering." Grinding my teeth, I tried to focus on keeping my emotions to myself, but how did you even do that? I'd never considered myself a very emotional person. How was Lowen picking up on my 'signals' so easily when I had no problems fooling my whole family into believing I was someone I wasn’t?
Lowen gave a little laugh. "That's not a bad description, actually. But your emotions aren't trash."
Those words hit deeper than they were probably supposed to. Because yeah, I believed that the emotions I had regarding other men were utter trash. I'd beenmadeto believe this my entire life. It wasn't easy to stop thinking that way.
When I didn't say anything, Lowen spoke on. "So you've only ever been with women?"
"Yeah, but you don't have to make it sound like that."
"Like what?"
"Like it's regrettable. It's not. I've got my whole life planned out," I explained, refusing to be pitied. He had to see that I wasn't some insecure virgin who didn't know what life was all about. "I'm about to complete my degree in pharmacy and then I'll move on to my master's. Eventually I'll get my PhD, so I can follow in my father's footsteps and take over the company from him. And then my best friend and I are going to start a family together." It wasn't a bad plan, was it? Not a bad life. I was looking forward to it. Kathy was going to make a great mother and wife someday.
"Have you also planned how many children you're going to have? How many boys and how many girls? What dates they're going to be born and what they'll be named? Have you thought about which of them is going to take over when you die and what year that's going to happen?"
I gaped at him. What kind of question was that?
"You can't plan your whole life the way you plan a dinner," he continued. "You can't even really plan a dinner without knowing all your options. I mean, sure you can, but it's not going to be the best dinner you could have made it."
"It's not a bad thing to have a plan."
"No, perhaps not, but there is such a thing as too much planning. Sometimes, I think you just gotta let go and see where life takes you."
"Like up to the second floor of this hotel?" I blurted out. I'd veered off plan by letting my feet take me here, hadn't I? But so far, nothing bad had happened.
Lowen leaned forward, catching my eyes. There was something intense about the way he looked at me. "You must have had a reason for coming up here."
He was right about that, but I couldn't explain it even to myself. Something had drawn me to him. Something was drawing me to him even now. I'd made myself sit in the armchair instead of on the bed with him, but even that had taken some willpower. How could I put this feeling into words when there was nothing logical about it? "Can't you read what I'm feeling?" I challenged him.
He pondered this for a moment. "You're giving off a lot of conflicting signals," he said after a moment.
"Like what?" For some reason, the air in the room seemed to become thicker. I wasn't sure I wanted to know exactly what kind of signals I was throwing at Lowen. None of it could be good.
Lowen licked his lower lip before he started speaking again, as if he was just as aware of the gravity of the situation as me. "For one," he said, "there's a part of you that screaming at me and all the rest of the world to stay away. That part is kind of muffled though, or no, not muffled, it's overwhelmed by all the rest of you that's far louder. Almost neon."
