Page 101 of Omega's Flight
Had his brothers said something to him tonight and it was only just now coming back to haunt him? Had the other omegas? I'd rip their tails off if they said anything to upset him.
"Do you want a cookie, or did you eat enough at the meal tonight?" I asked just before I put those plates away. Ori still being a little shy in the enclave, I'd decided to slip some of the party food away for him. And maybe I'd managed to abscond with a few plates for my household too. Not the least of which was some of those cookies that Cas tended to go on and on and on about.
"No, I'm okay. Are you sure you aren't tired?"
"Not that tired." I got mugs down and put tea bags in them—plain black for Cas, chai for me. "Is something wrong?"
He looked up at me. "I don't know."
The water was only just starting to steam, so I sat down across from him. "Tell me."
"Bax and I were talking..."
I nodded. "Uh huh."
"He said your mate brought you home after a trip to Nevada to work on one of the buildings there."
I stilled and my chest grew so tight I almost couldn't breathe. "Why?" I choked out. I'd never worked in one of the public buildings, having been promised to Degan before I was ever old enough. Ironically, it seemed almost appropriate, just when I was just starting to drop my defenses here and let Mercy Hills in, that Cas should find out where I'd been born.
He slanted a look up at me, as if he were trying to see through me to my heart. "Do you still have feelings for him? It sounded to me like a love match."
Oh. My ears rang and fell into the chair beside him. "I... It was complicated. Omegas aren't much use, you know?"
"No, I don't know that."
Tentatively, I reached out to pat his hand, as if I was afraid he'd snatch it away, but he did the exact opposite, something so wonderful I could have lived in that moment forever. He caught my hand in his, lacing his fingers through mine and holding so tight it was like he was afraid I would pull away. I raised my eyes to his and gasped. His expression—he was entirely, completely open to me. I could see the struggle in him, the battle between the desire to control and own, and his attempts to understand what drove me. How did Mercy Hills come to have so many alphas like the ones in the old tales, with the power to see the truth and the strength to give to others? Was it unfair, or was it just that they were worthy of it and the rest of the packs weren't? "No," I whispered and squeezed my fingers in his. "I suppose you don't." I closed my eyes for a moment, because it was so hard to go back to those days in memory with all this seated in front of me.
"Do you need a minute?" he asked in a quiet tone, like the rumble of wind through trees.
I shook my head. "Just hard to think about bad old days, because I didn't know they were bad then." I took a deep breath and with it, I could smell the scorched earth and concrete, feel the heat beating back at me. A ripple of distaste ran down my back—the public houses had all been near the gate, but still, sometimes you happened on a human. And they'd look at you like everyone in the pack was for sale and they were wondering how much you cost.
Enough of that. I pushed the emotions away as far as I could and kept the memories. Just the facts, ma'am. Where had I heard that? Okay, now I was stalling. "It was exciting. I felt so grown up. He wasn't ugly and he offered me a home and pups and an identity." I squeezed his hand again. "I never expected to mate for love, because you don't always have time to find someone you love. And everyone knows about the omega's mating bond. I expected the rest would show up once that was in place and I suppose it did. I do love him, in a way." Here, I leaned forward and reached for him with my other hand, wrapping both of mine around his in what I hoped he would take as emphasis, or truth. "I don't love him in that way. Not like in the storybooks, or the movies, or even like Bax and Abel. But we were mates, and he's the sire to my pups. That's never going away. Once I've got my own life figured out, I want to reach back to him, because he deserves a chance at redemption, a chance to know his pups, and they deserve to know him. That's not something that's going to change, unless he does something to change it." I rubbed my thumbs over his hand and added, "I think—he's as much a product of his upbringing as I am. If I can change here, why can't he, to become more like the alphas I've met here? I wonder, sometimes, what he might have been like if he'd been raised here instead of Jackson-Jellystone. It makes me feel sad for him." Sometimes memories weren't such dark things, and some of mine with Degan reminded me uncomfortably of Cas. Except that those seeds of kindness and nobility had been watered and tended in Cas, and blighted in Degan. Could Degan's still grow and make him an alpha more like the one in front of me? I hoped so, but he would have to want it. I'd discovered myself recently that growing wasn't always a painless process.
Cas stared at our hands, folded together on the table, and I watched his throat move, the Adam's apple bobbing up and down with the effort to...what? Find words? Hold them back?
I shook his hand to get his attention back on me again. "That doesn't mean that there won't be room for someone else in my life, or in the pups' lives. But even though I don't want him, I don't want to be unfair, and I don't think you'd like me if that was the kind of person I was. Right?" I hoped so, because I wasn't going to back down on this.
"No, you're right." He stood up abruptly and pulled his hand from mine. "I'm just— It's hard, coming to terms with that after all he did to you. The more I learn, the less I like him." He walked over to the sink to stare out the window.
Ah. So this was alpha territoriality. "I'm not a thing to be used. Or if I am, then I agreed to it. I had a ceremony, I had all the crazy pranks and the dirty jokes told to me. I had a mating night and gifts and a chance to be the center of attention. And how do you know that it wasn't me that was the disappointment in this mating?" Why was I suddenly defending the mate I wanted to get rid of to the alpha I wanted to have stay around? "Does it really matter? I'm here and as much as I've figured out what I want my life to look like, I want you to be in it. Can't that be enough for now?" I got to my feet and went over to slide my hands around his waist. "Though right now, I do kind of wish him in the Barrens. Maybe if you took me to bed, you'd trust me more."
"I don't need that." He slid his hands over my arms, so warm and comforting.
I laid my cheek against his back, in the hollow of his shoulderblades. It was just right, like he'd been made for me. What if it had been Cas who had come to Nevada Ashes that day, instead of Degan? I tightened my grip on him and gave myself a mental shake. If I kept walking down that path, I'd drive myself into a depression and undo all Holland’s work, clearing away those too-easily succumbed to emotions.
Cas spoke again, slow and thoughtful. "I don't know what you do to me, but I want to make him hurt for how he's held you back. And I know you don't really want an alpha now, and that frustrates me, because once Garrick's passed the Bar, it's my turn, and I want to shower you with the credits that will bring in."
The emotion that bloomed in me at that phrase was hard to describe. Happiness, for sure, and love— as much as my heart could give, tied as I still was to Degan. Hope, but some fear, and when I poked that fear trying to see if it was real, I discovered the sad truth that it was myself I was afraid of. Degan and I had started off happy, two young shifters doing their best to settle into new, unfamiliar roles. It had been fun, like playing house, only with grown-up benefits. And then gradually, we'd begun to disappoint each other. Deep down, my biggest fear was that the fault had been in me, that I hadn't been a good omega. That I wasn't capable of it. Cas talking about spending credits on me—yes, there it was, right on time. The guilt.
I opened my mouth to tell him not to do that, but the words wouldn't come. I wanted him to love me that much that he would spend his hard-won credits for my pleasure. I wanted that desire between us to make each other happy. It had been more habit than anything else between myself and Degan these past two years. I'd rather live alone than live that life again. But would Cas love me enough that he could love me even through the part of me that had sent my first mating down the path to here?
Stop thinking about all that. I was making myself even more confused, trying to figure it out. Maybe I'd talk to Bax about it tomorrow, see what he thought. He, at least, would know where I was coming from. But first, to keep this alpha from jumping into the hunt before he knew what the prey was. "There's no rush, is there? I'm not going anywhere, not if we can drag shifters into the twenty-first century." I hugged him and listened to his grunt of amusement as I quoted his words back to him. "Can we just enjoy each other for now, without rushing into the future? I'd like to just have fun for a little while, before all the responsibility lands on me again."
He loosened my hands so he could turn around, and leaned back against the front of the sink. "I'm rushing you."
I tilted my head to the side and glanced up at him, the way Bax would. "Maybe a little."
He laughed and cupped my chin his hand. It felt good, familiar and flirtatious, but not threatening. I liked the way it felt, and the way it made me feel. "I am. I know it. I'm afraid he'll take you from me."
