Page 135 of Omega's Flight
"I can tell you're awake. We need to talk." It was Quin.
I didn't want to open my eyes, but he was my Alpha and if I didn't do as he said, he could force it. Though being Quin, he probably wouldn't. And now that damn guilt was filling me up again, so I opened my eyes after all in hopes that it would go away. "I don't know that I'm all that important."
"You're important to me as a pack member. Plus, you're important to Holland and his opinion carries a lot of weight with me." He smiled one of his rare smiles and put something heavy on my lap. "I borrowed a computer from Abel for you. I think maybe you and I have something in common." He showed me how to open the laptop up and walked me through getting it started and making an account on it and other things that I was sure I was going to forget as soon as he was gone.
I kind of wanted to ask him what he was after, but again, he was my Alpha, and I figured he wouldn't come here without a goal in mind.
Quin left the computer to finish doing whatever it was computers did, and turned back to me. He leaned one elbow casually on the edge of my bed and laced his fingers together. His eyes were warm when they met mine, and the anxiety I'd always felt any time I had to be around Roland melted away. He felt like an older brother, in the same way that my brother Yuri felt like a safe place to go.
"You know I was a Marine, right?" he began, and I nodded. "Well," he continued. "That does things to you, inside your head. And I was never given the safe postings. I saw a lot of stuff that no one should be seeing, but that part doesn't matter. What does matter is that, aside from having Holland to help— and he's willing to keep trying if you're willing to let him dig around in your head like he does with me—but I also have someone I talk to, who's trained in how to deal with those dark places inside.”
I'd only been paying half attention, until those last words. "You know about that?"
He smiled, almost like he was making fun of himself. "Got my own. Figured you likely had yours. And Cas sees more than we ever give him credit for." He paused and his eyes flicked away, then came back to me. "Holland told me I could tell you this. I don't know if I think it's the right thing to do, but he's been further down that road than I ever have. Years ago, before he came here, before we met and he saw how much I needed him, he wanted to kill himself. He says he had it planned, but I don't really think he got farther than just thinking about what might hurt the least. So he does understand, and he'd be here now except it takes a lot out of him, doing what he did."
"Is he all right?"
"Just sleeping. I left a bit of cake by the bed for him, for when he gets up." Quin shifted in his chair, as if he were making himself more comfortable. "One of the things that Holland did for me was make me realize I didn't need to deal with all those emotions by myself. He found a therapist to talk to me because he was smart enough to see that what was in my head would be too heavy for him too at the time. That therapist didn't work out long term, but he got me someplace where I could find another one. So, I'm passing the favor along. You have an appointment in a little less than an hour, to try one on for size and see how it suits."
"Oh." He wanted me to talk to someone? About all the ways I'd screwed up? And what a mess I was? "What about the pups?"
"Jason's invited Degan and the pups to his place for dinner, then Bax and Abel will have everyone over there to watch a movie. They'll never even know you were gone most of the day."
I felt a rush of gratitude and then a wave of unworthiness. "I don't know why you want to help me, I'm so much trouble."
"That," he said. “is the wrong kind of thinking. You're worth everything we'd done for you so far, and more. Don't look at this moment in time, look ahead and see where it's leading."
I just stared at him, baffled.
He bowed his head for a moment and I felt that tiny internal flinch, then decided that if he was angry, well—he had good reason to be. But when he lifted his head again, it wasn't anger I saw, but a calm determination. "Think about what you did that day in December last year, when you decided that your life was worth more than the value those around you placed on it. When you left Jackson-Jellystone and came looking for us here. At a gut level, I don't understand the kind of bravery that took, but Bax did, and Holland. And Seosamh." He grinned sheepishly. "Some days, I question who's the Alpha here. But that's beside the point. The thing is, you've already provided all the value you ever need to for us, because of that." He fell silent then, watching me. I wondered what he saw, because his vision of me was so far different from my own, we might have been from different planets.
When I didn't respond, he went on. "So, that's for today's omegas. What about tomorrow's pups? All of them, alpha to omega. You and Ori writing that book, making our history real in a way that humans can respect. I'm not dumb enough to think that it won't be called quaint and 'interesting stories' for a while, but you tell someone something's true often enough, they start to believe it. If humans hear often enough that we're real creatures, with hearts and minds and dreams, then they'll start believing it too. And that is the end goal here. We send our beauties out into the world to win their hearts, we become less frightening. We make ourselves useful, we become needed." He leaned back and watched me solemnly. "We tell them our stories often enough, we become three-dimensional in their eyes."
Oh. I closed my fingers on a fold of blanket and used the sensation to anchor me, because I was ready to fly with his dreams. He didn't speak often, but when he did, he knew how to choose the words he used. "You really think that our book can do that?"
He nodded. "Not all at once. Not right away either. But you don't saw a piece of wood in one go, you chip away at it with the teeth of the saw until you've chipped your way through. You're only one prong of my attack, but you're a good one. You'll get them in their pups. And Mutch will make it happen."
Their pups. I'd never thought about it—we'd written the book mostly for the pups of the enclave, shrugging off Mutch’s ideas about human children reading it, but what if human children liked it?
Except what human children would want to read about shifters? Especially a book written by two omegas?
"Raleigh, don't go there." The snap of command in Quin's voice brought my head up and I stared at him, wide-eyed. "Holland did a little to help you along, but he was afraid to do much. I know what he found inside."
What? What had he seen? "Is it bad?"
"It's going to take some work. Like what I did." He turned the laptop toward him and nodded. "It's almost time."
"Time for what?"
"Your therapy appointment." He turned the computer back to me. "Online. Holland, Bram and Bax sat me down and we talked, about what it was like being an omega here, and what it was like being an omega...not here. I won't say I understand completely how that kind of life affects you, but I have some experience with feeling like you're a fake and failure, no matter what other people are saying." He clicked on an icon on the screen and opened a program in front of me. "I asked around, found someone who had some experience with what you've lived with. They're not sure about shifters, but they've worked with a lot of people who've had families and mates treat them like you were treated."
"It wasn't all their fault." Nevada Ashes did what they had to. "I mean, it's just how it's always been."
"That's the problem, it hasn't always been that way. You read the journals, you know what happened."
"I—" I had, hadn't I? Why hadn't I remembered that?
Because I was too busy trying to make Mercy Hills into something I knew, instead of the grand new adventure I wanted it to be for my pups.
