Page 95 of Omega's Flight
Oh, was I wrong.
He started me off easy, Lysoonka bless him. We practiced what I would say to Degan. "Degan, I respect you as the sire of my pups, but I don't love you any more. We aren't the young alpha and omega that we were when we mated."
"An omega should respect their alpha mate," Cas replied, his voice severe. "How is this respect? What are you teaching the pups, that they can just run away when things get tough for them? Is this the lesson you want them to learn?"
That made me angry. Even though it was Cas saying it, there was an echo in my ears of Degan's voice. "I should let them watch you throw me around the living room? Teach them that it's okay to hit other pups? How much time have I spent--"
Cas held up a hand to stop me. "Okay, calm down. You know he's going to say things like that. Let's go back and find a better way to respond to it."
I sat and seethed and let him coach me until we decided on, "You promised to care for me and my pups when you mated me. Where was the care? We slept in a cold house, I skipped meals to keep you fed. You beat me in front of our pup. I'm not teaching them to run when it gets tough, I'm teaching them that they don't have to stay and be disrespected, that there are other options. That don't involve violence."
Cas nodded. "Good. We should write that down so you can practice it. It's a good base to shoot down any other of his arguments."
I dutifully found a pad of paper and a pen that worked and we wrote my answer down, word for word. I could tell Cas was worried, even though I couldn't be certain what he was worried about. Did he think I would break, with my pups' well-being on the line?
Now I was worried that he thought I was that weak that I'd break under my mate's displeasure. I hadn't yet, had I? At least, I didn't think so. But it bothered me that Cas might think I was weak--I didn't want him to have that image of me in his head.
It occurred to me that I'd spent my life judging myself by how other people saw me, not what I knew of myself. Did I even know if the weakness was real, or just a figment of other shifters' imaginations?
I was determined to make it no more than someone else's wishful thinking. "Next one," I said and sent Cas my best you’ll-never-break-me look.
He nodded, but there was something bleak in his eyes that made me want to comfort him. At least, until he started to speak, and then I just wanted to pummel him with a big chunk of wood. The things he said were like every slight, every sharp comment, every knowing look or automatic refusal I'd ever experienced as an omega, distilled down to a few cutting phrases. Stupid, witless, airhead, promiscuous, careless, greedy, unteachable--the list went on and on until I was in tears.
Twice, I was on the verge of begging him to stop. He always seemed to know when I'd reached my limit, but when he asked if I wanted an end to it, I couldn't make myself say the words. I knew the point of all this, no matter how painful it was. I knew I needed to be stronger and to be able to let these insults roll off my back. To see them for the weapons they were and not the truth I feared. So I did my best to live in the part of my brain that could stand outside the storm, and weathered the assault as well as I could, taking his lessons to heart--until the final insult.
He leaned over me on the couch, his expression cold and calculating and I wondered, somewhere in the logical, separate part of my mind, where Cas hid this part of him. I'd never seen it before, not even a hint. And then he said the worst thing he'd come up with so far. "Not that it really matters, but who is going to leave their pups with an omega who falls over for any alpha who strolls by? Because that's what you omegas do, isn't it? Run around parading yourself in front of the alphas, hoping one will pick you up and make you better than you are? How many of them have you fucked since you ran away? Ten? Twenty? Did you fuck the Alpha to get him to let you stay? How did his mate feel about it, or did he have the two of you at the same time? Did you fuck the humans to let you out the gate? Did you like it?" He put a sneer into the word like that twisted in my stomach worse than the pain of losing Isaac. I felt the blood drain out of my face and stared at Cas, aghast.
And then I threw myself at him, fists clenched, aiming for anything I could hit. Face, chest, arms, legs. Even...there, where it would hurt the most. His eyes went wide and he scrambled backward and we ended up on the floor with me screaming at him and trying to kill him, only it wasn't Cas I was seeing, but every alpha and beta and damn human who'd ever looked at me like no more than a piece of meat that they might decide to buy someday if they were hungry enough. And then I collapsed on top of him, weeping so hard I could barely breathe.
His arms wrapped around me and he stroked the back of my head and kissed my forehead. "I'm sorry, oh, Lysoon, Raleigh, I'm so sorry, I should have stopped before that. You were sitting there, so cold and angry... I didn't think anything would get to you. I needed to know where you'd break." He made a sound of pain himself and his arms tightened around me. "Can you forgive me?"
I made a fist and hit him again and he just...took it. So I did it again, because it had felt so good the first time.
When I raised my fist to hit him a third time, he caught my wrist before it could come down. "I should go. I'm sorry Raleigh. You'll let me know if you ever decide you can forgive me?" he said in a quiet voice. I felt his arms loosen and then he started to squirm out from underneath me.
"Don't," I begged, and I didn't even care that I was begging. "Stay, please." I felt a shudder roll through my bones and Cas's arms closed around me again.
"Why do you even want me?" he whispered into my hair.
"Idiot," I said through renewed tears.
He let me sob into his shoulder for a moment, then rolled us over onto our sides. "I think we're done. I'm going to tell Quin this was a bad idea. Let me deal with Roland and Degan, you shouldn't have to do this."
"I have to. That's what they want." I sniffed rudely and wiped at my eyes. "I'm sorry I hit you."
He was quiet for a minute, then he sighed. "I deserved it. I probably didn't need to work you over so hard."
"Why not?" I said bitterly. "Degan did." I clung to him and fought the tears that just wouldn't stop.
He held me until I'd worn myself out, my body limp against the heat and strength of his. Then he picked me up and carried me to my bedroom, tucking me in under the covers like I was a pup in his care.
"Don't go," I said when he started to leave. "Please. I need you." Despite how we'd spent our afternoon, I felt safe with him. He was the type of alpha that would burn himself to the ground for his family, and judging by the pain in his eyes, he was doing just that for me. The closer I looked, the more I realized that every emotional blow he'd landed on me today, he'd felt the pain of it just as strongly.
He stood by my bed watching me with dark confused eyes and I realized I was a puzzle to him that he couldn't quite figure out the answer to.
"Stay," I said, a little more confidently this time and reached out to loop a finger around one of his. "I just want to not be scared for a while."
He took a deep, shuddering breath and allowed himself to be pulled down under the covers, where I could curl against his warmth and solidity and forget, just for a little while, how cold the world could be.
