Page 53 of Mating of Convenience
“You don’t have to thank me.” I wasn’t even sure that I was giving him the right advice. I’d have to talk this over with Conner later and get a second opinion, but if we could get this custody battle over with quicklyandget Laurence’s abusive ex out of the kids’ life forever that would be amazing. “Just focus on the good things in your life, okay? You’re wondering if the night you spent with your friend was a mistake, but you got two great kids out of that, didn’t you? Hell, I can’t even get pregnant withonechild.”
That really shouldn’t have slipped my mouth, but damn, I couldn’t take the words back once they were out.
“Oh, I… um…” Laurence clearly didn’t know how to react. “I’m sorry,” he managed finally.
“Forget about it. I shouldn’t have said anything. Let’s just head back to the shelter, okay? And don’t worry too much. No matter who fathered your children, I’ll guarantee you’ll be the one to have custody over them in the end.” If there was any justice in the world, the law wouldn’t take Laurence’s babies away from him. Anyone who met him for longer than two minutes knew that he cared about them more than anything in life.
Laurence nodded slowly, though he didn’t seem convinced that everything was going to be alright.
I squeezed his shoulders, all that I could do at the moment. Once I’d taken him back to the shelter and back to his kids, I had to worry about whether or not there were going to be any kids inmyfuture.
Involuntarily, I gulped.
Laurence shot me a questioning look, but I only shook my head at him. The state of my fertility wasn’t somethingheneeded to worry about. No, this was between me and my husband and the damn pregnancy test stick waiting for me at home.
26
Raphael
When I entered our house that evening, I was alone. That was okay, though. I’d planned it that way. Nathan was always out dog-walking around this time. Usually I came back from work a little later so he could greet me when I arrived, but tonight, having a few minutes to myself suited me just fine.
I wanted to take this pregnancy test by myself. I hadn’t even told him that I’d bought one in the first place. He never asked. My husband was being his most patient self, and while I appreciated that he was trying to take the pressure off me, I hated all the tip-toeing we did around this topic as a consequence. It had gotten so far that, just the day before while we were out on a walk, Nathan had pulled me past a baby carriage before I could so much as sneak a glance at the sleeping infant. It was ridiculous, but that was what Nathan was like. If he thought I wasn’t feeling well he’d do anything he could to erase the source of my misery. Even if that meant being totally rude in public or sacrificing his own happiness.
Sighing, I slipped out of my shoes and made my way into the kitchen, eyeing the pictures Nathan had hung in the hallway as I went. There was one of us together in Paris, one of his dog as a puppy and the rest of them showed his family. His little brother Henry dressed up as Bamm-Bamm from the Flintstones for Halloween. His sister Clara at her first soccer game. Caleb and Nathan waving into the camera as young children, sitting at the foot of a light house during a family vacation.
Family was everything to Nathan, I knew that. It wasn’t like I didn’t sympathize. I kept pictures of my siblings in a hidden pocket of my wallet that I didn’t tell anyone about.
Shoving the thought aside for a moment, I scanned the kitchen counter until I found what I was looking for. Jackpot. Of course my husband had coffee ready. I poured myself a mug and held it to my nose, breathing in the dark, life-giving aroma of the black liquid. Sometimes I joked that Nathan liked his coffee so strong that just smelling at it was enough to wake up a giant, no need to actually drink the stuff, but I took a sip now. If I was actually pregnant I would have to cut down, but I probably wasn’t, and I needed the caffeine kick right now. Even if my lips curled as I swallowed.
Way too fucking strong.
I set the mug down on the counter and left the kitchen. It was time to do what I knew I had to, before Nathan came home. If he knew what I was doing he’d be hovering around me, trying to encourage me while also not trying to pressure me at the same time and that was a mess of emotions I didn’t want to deal with right now.
Not when I wasn’t even sure what my own feelings were.
I’d hidden the pregnancy test stick in the back of the bathroom cabinet behind a box of Band-Aids with butterfly prints on them--a moving-out gift from Nathan’s stepfather, as my husband told me, but never mind that now. I peeled the stick out of its box and turned it over in my hand. Such a small thing. Why was the sight of it making my stomach clench so hard?
Breathe, Raphael, I told myself. The stupid thing was probably going to be negative anyway.
Trying not to think about anything at all, I approached the toilet with the stick, pulled my pants down and peed on it.
Then I had to wait. I wasn’t sure how long; I hadn’t read the box closely enough. I gave the stick a little wave, and, just that moment, I heard the front door open.
Shit.
Was Nathan back already?
“Raph?” he called out. “You home?”
He must have noticed my shoes. “In the bathroom!” I yelled back.
“Oh, you’re home early today.”
“Yeah, you too.” I gritted my teeth to keep any other comments that wanted to escape inside. It wasn’t Nathan’s fault that I’d wanted him to stay away for at least five minutes longer. Judging by the sound of his footsteps--and those of the dog trailing behind him--he was going into the kitchen now. Of course. He would want coffee.
Okay. It didn’t matter that he was home. He wasn’t going to do anyone any harm by being in the kitchen while I looked at my test result. Diverting my attention from Nathan, I focused back on the matter at hand and looked at the stick.
There was no change to it.
