Page 69 of Mating of Convenience
“I thought a change of scenery might do us good.”
“A change of scenery, huh?”
“Yeah.” Was he trying to distract me from the topic I’d suggested? If so, it wasn’t going to work. I discarded my bag on the ground, took a few steps back and sat on the hood of the car, patting the metal beside me. “Sit with me for a bit.”
Raph followed my invitation, albeit reluctantly. “So if I don’t talk you’ll just keep me out here with you until I freeze, right?”
“Pretty much.” I grinned at him. “How have you been doing?”
“I don’t know.” Raph looked up into the night sky again. “It’s funny. They always tell you your problems will appear smaller when you look at the stars and realize how tiny you truly are… but that’s not really working for me.”
I gave him a shrug. “I guess some things can’t be solved by star-gazing.”
“Then why are we here?”
“You know why.”
“Okay.” Raph sighed and ran a hand through his hair. “How do you think I’ve been doing?”
“How should I know? We haven’t talked about it.”
Raph nudged my foot with his own. “Can’t you guess?”
“Maybe? I’m guessing you’re feeling sad and a little angry. I’m guessing you’re blaming yourself for what happened.”
“It was my fault. You can’t deny that. I took those pills.”
“You wouldn’t have done it if you’d known that--“
“Ishouldhave known. I should have thought for longer than a second before throwing black-market products in my mouth.”
“Angel…”
“Don’tAngelme. I was fucking stupid!” He brought his fist down on the hood of the car, making a metallicclunkring out over the empty clearing on top of the hill. For a second, I wondered if that was going to leave a dent in the car, then I decided that I didn’t care. It was old and falling apart anyway. What I cared about was my mate finally airing his emotions. It was painful to watch, but oh so necessary.
“We all do stupid things sometimes. Lord knows I’ve done plenty. You can’t always be so hard on yourself.”
“It’s just… I’ve sworn to myself that I would always take responsibility for the things I do.”
“I know.” Raph didn’t want to be like his dad, and that was a wise decision in my eyes. He just needed to realize that he was never going to be, anyway. “I think that instead of agonizing over the past, we should figure out our next steps. What we’re going to do differently from here on out.”
“But I can’t stop thinking about it! Can you?” Raph’s eyes bore into me. “I keep wondering what they would have looked like. What sort of person they might have been. If they’re up in heaven somewhere hating me for being so stupid. If… somewhere deep inside yourselfyouhate me for being so stupid too.” His shoulders slumped as he spoke the last words, his voice growing quiet. It was how I knew he wasn’t just saying those things. He really worried.
I pulled him into an embrace. He made a surprised little sound in the back of his throat, but then he went with it, resting his head on my shoulder.
“I could never hate you,” he said.
“Yeah? I’m pretty sure I’ve made you hate me before.”
“Ineverhated you,” I stressed. “Do you think our separation would have been so hard on me if I’d hated you?” I kissed the top of his head, needing my words to get through to him. “Our baby doesn’t hate you either. Wherever they are, they’re in a better place now. I’m not asking you to forget them either. Actually, that’s kind of the opposite of why I brought you here.”
Raph gazed up at me, eyes shining with unspoken emotion. “Then why did you bring me here?”
“Let me show you.” I gave him another quick kiss--this time on the lips--and jumped off the car. Picking up my bag from where I’d left it, I pulled the telescope out of it and set it up. Then I fished a piece of paper out of the bag--coordinates--and adjusted my telescope accordingly, using the flashlight app on my phone to read. It had been a while since I’d last done it and it took me longer than a minute, but Raph only watched me silently, patiently, until I beckoned him closer.
“You want me to look through there?”
“Yup.”
