Page 25 of Jake and Conner
"You know it rationally but not emotionally," Conner summed up what was going on with me. "And you're scared that it's going to happen again too."
"What I'm really worried about is this kind of shit happening to someone I love," I said, looking Conner straight in the eyes. It was him I saw in my nightmares, after all. Trapped in a wrecked car or crushed under a utility pole with live wires around him.
Conner held my gaze, and then he said a line I'd heard him say way too many times. "You worry too much."
How often had he told me that when he was about to head out to some demonstration or public protest that I couldn't attend with him. I worried because I knew that some protesters and anti-protesters could get violent. I worried because I'd seen things go sideways.
"I worry because I love you," I said, without thinking. It was what I'd always responded to his claim, and why should I say something different now, anyway? My feelings for him hadn't changed.
When Conner's mouth opened I was a hundred percent sure that he was going to argue with me, but he didn't. "I'm safe," he said instead. "Nothing's going to happen to me, okay?" Slowly, he made his dog hop off the couch and patted the empty space beside him.
Did he really want me to sit next to him?
In any case, I didn't need to be asked twice. I got up and settled in the space beside him. The couch cushion was still warm from when his dog had sat on it, but it wasn't the warmth of the couch that interested me. It was Conner's. I wanted to pull him closer and feel the heat of his skin underneath my fingertips.
But that wasn't what I'd come here for and that wasn't what he was offering. He was offering comfort, nothing more, nothing less, and while I was being a beggar, I couldn't be a chooser.
"You really are too alpha sometimes, you know that?" Conner asked. He rested one of his hands lightly on my shoulder and that single point of contact was all I could think about for the next ten seconds. I wondered again why he'd kissed me the morning before--and how I could get him to do it again.
"How am I too alpha?" I already knew what he was going to tell me, but I wanted him to keep speaking. He was good at distracting me from my thoughts and I liked to watch his lips move. Moments like this, what exactly he was saying didn't matter to me at all.
"Because you think you have to protect everyone in a ten mile radius every minute you're awake."
"Not everyone," I replied absent-mindedly.
Conner gave me a small smile. "What will it take for you to stop worrying about me?"
I considered this for a moment, trying not to get too carried away by how much I wanted to turn my head and kiss his neck. "I don't think that's possible," I said eventually. "I'm never going to stop loving you." It was so easy to say that the words just flowed off my tongue without hesitation.
"You broke up with me," Conner pointed out, as he liked to do, even though I'd apologized before.
"I was mad at you. For what you did. For what I thought you did, anyway." I straightened as I remembered reason number two I'd come here.
Conner caught on to it too, growing defensive. "The decisions I make about my body are nothing to do with you."
"Maybe not," I admitted, "but you were kind of taking all our family planning into your own hands without even talking to me about it."
"I tried talking to you!" Conner protested. "You weren't getting it, and I was fed up with my condition."
"I wanted things to change too. I wanted you to be happy. That's why I thought we could just marry. I know that wasn't the best move," I added before Conner could cut in. "Can we just agree that we both made poor choices?"
Conner scowled, but he didn't move to create distance between us, which kept me at least somewhat optimistic. "It wasn't the first time we fought," he said in a small voice. "We might have broken up sooner or later."
"We were young and stupid."
Conner gave me a lop-sided smile. "Are we old and wise now?"
"That's not exactly how I would put it."
"Yeah? How would you put it?"
"I don't know," I admitted. I didn't know the magic words to say that would get me another chance with Conner. If I knew, I would have said them a million times already, over and over. "All I know is that I'm sorry for letting you down when you needed me."
Conner regarded me quietly for a long moment. "I'm sorry for making you think I had surgery."
"Why didn't you?"
Conner's mouth opened, then closed again. Then he finally spoke. "I wasn't sure that it was what I wanted. I called you while I was trying to figure it out."
