Page 37 of Jake and Conner
"Hey, if I'm driving you, I think it's only fair if I get to hear at least some of the story."
"Fair enough." I buckled my seat belt and leaned back a little. The sun had already started to set in the distance, and I wondered what Conner was doing just then. Had he gotten his hormones in check again or was he still struggling all by himself?
I hated that thought.
But what could I do?
"So?" Aaron asked as he drove, reminding me that I'd promised some details.
"There really isn't that much to say. Conner agreed to let me take him out on a date. I decided to bring him here for old time's sake."
"And let me guess, things didn't turn out as you planned."
"You could say that." But I couldn't tell Aaron what exactly had happened. As far as I knew, Conner had never mentioned his disorder to anyone else and it wasn't my place to share that information. It was too personal. "I don't think I screwed up completely, though."
"No?" Aaron raised one brow, but never took his eyes off the winding forest road ahead of us.
"No," I said with a small smile. Sure, I'd screwed up my chance to have sex with Conner and at first, it had felt like I was denying myself everything that I wanted, but that was wrong. 'Everything that I wanted' encompassed a lot more than just sex, after all. If I was lucky, then by saying no today I was giving myself a chance at lot more in the future.
IfI was lucky.
But I decided that I must be, because I needed to be.
IneededConner, and that was never going to change.
* * *
Sunday afternoon,I got a surprise visitor. When I looked out my window, I saw my own car pulling into my driveway.
Conner,I realized, with a sinking feeling. It was less than 24h since I'd last seen him. How was he doing now?
I quieted my dog, who'd started barking like crazy the moment the car had approached, and then I stepped outside before Conner could knock. Closing the door behind myself, I regarded him quietly. He'd parked the car and gotten out, and now he was looking at me over the hood of my Honda.
"I thought I should return this," he said. "Thank you for letting me borrow it. That was very generous."
"Don't worry about it," I waved him off. Breathing in, I tried to figure out if Conner had gone back to normal or not, but it was impossible to tell at this distance and out in the open. "How are you?"
"I'm..." Conner stopped and chewed the question over in his mind. "I'm pretty sure that if you come any closer right now it's all going to start over again."
"I guess in that case I'm staying right where I am."
A smile tugged at the corner of Conner's lips. "You don't have to, you know. I came here knowing the risk."
Wait, what was he trying to say? My eyes narrowed in thought.
Conner laughed. "You don't have to look at me like that. I know what I'm doing." He walked around the car, removing the physical obstacle between us. "And I know what I want."
I watched him intently, feeling suddenly cornered between the front door behind me and Conner, who came to stand before the steps leading up to my porch. "Are you sure?" I asked.
"I am."
"Okay. But how can I be sure that you're actually thinking clearly right now?" I searched his face, noting the dark rings under his eyes. He hadn't gotten a lot of sleep, had he?
Conner chewed his lower lip and crossed his arms in front of himself. "How can I prove it to you?"
"I don't know." And it was difficult to think while Conner was just a few steps away and asking me to invite him inside, especially when I wanted nothing more than to do just that. But I did need to make sure that this was the right thing to do. I owed that to him. "What's five times four?" I asked.
"Twenty." Conner's response came quickly.
