Page 45 of Jake and Conner
Jake took a bite of his meal and chewed in thoughtful silence. Then he put his fork down. "There's something I've realized, you know," he said after a moment, looking at me.
"What's that?"
"That we can't always leave our work at work. Not with the jobs we have. In an ideal world we could, but in reality... In reality you found me passed out on my couch only a couple of weeks ago because an accident drove me to drink."
I studied Jake carefully as the candlelight painted shadows on his features that softened all the lines of his face. Could it be that he actually understood what was going on inside of me just then? "I got a new client," I said, "just a few days before I found you on your couch, actually. A pregnant teenager who came to me ecause he didn't know what to do."
Jake nodded, as if to tell me to go on. He wanted to hear about this. Good.
"I got the feeling that he was scared to tell his parents, that they might force some kind of decision on him, so I told him to wait. Then his father passed away, the whole family was thrown into chaos, his mother found out about his circumstances somehow... he sounded terrified on the phone when he called me. I told him to come see me at the shelter so we could figure something out. He came round one morning not long after, only I wasn't there. I was..." I paused, because I didn't want to lay blame on Jake. "I was late to work that day. I tried calling him, but he wouldn't answer his phone. We haven't seen him since. Now it turns out nobody has. He's gone missing."
"That's rough." Jake's eyes shone with sympathy. "I know you. In your mind, you've adopted that kid and you feel responsible for everything that's going to happen to him from here on out, even if none of it is your fault." He stood from the table and walked around it, offering me his hand. "You're not hungry, are you?"
I shook my head and took his hand.
He led me the short way to the living room and sat on the couch with me. Leaning against him, I rested my head on his shoulder. "I'm sorry for ruining your evening. Our evening."
"Don't say shit like that, you haven't ruined anything." Jake turned his head to kiss the top of mine. "I'm happy just to be with you. And I know what it's like when you start blaming yourself for things that go wrong. It's a slippery slope. I don't want to see you go down it."
"But what do you do about the times when it really is your fault?" I found myself asking.
"This wasn't your fault. If he's gone missing, he's probably hiding somewhere because he's scared of his family. They're the ones who have really screwed up here. You were only trying to help. We can't always help everyone, that's the sad reality of our jobs."
As much as I wanted to take comfort in his words, it was hard to let myself off the hook, as if admitting that there was truth to what Jake was saying was akin to taking the easy way out while an omega who had depended on me for support was out there in the streets somewhere, fending for himself in the cold. "It's different this time," I insisted.
"How is it different? Because you want it to be so you can punish yourself?"
I huffed and Jake gave a little laugh, his warm breath stirring my hair.
"You can't change the world all by yourself, Conny," he said. It wasn't a pet name he used often. I wasn't sure exactly how he made up the rules of when it was appropriate to pull it out, but he seemed to reserve it for special occasions--or when he felt I was being less mature than I could be. I hadn't heard him call me that in a long time.
"Conny is a girl's name," I muttered, if only to buy myself some time to come up with something more intelligent to say. "I know that I can't change the world. At least not the whole world, but I can change little things. I can help individual omegas, one at a time."
"And you're doing a great job of it. I'm proud of you. You deserve to be a little proud of yourself too."
"I don't feel very proud right now."
"No, but maybe you'll feel better in the morning. I know it takes a little time, but you're going to be okay." Jake kissed the side of my face. "And I hope that kid who ran off is going to be okay too. Best case scenario, the police will find him soon."
I nodded, trying my best to pretend I hadn't noticed that undertone in Jake's voice when he spoke that last sentence.The police will find him soon.I knew that in Jake's job he'd been present when missing persons were discovered more than once. Not all of them turned up healthy, or even alive. We both knew that, but we decided not to say it out loud, as if that would jinx us.
"Thank you for understanding," I said, honestly grateful that my preoccupation hadn't led to a fight.
"You don't have to thank me for that."
"You put a lot of effort into dinner and now it's going cold."
"We can heat it up again later or tomorrow. It's no big deal. We'll have lots more romantic evenings in the future, you can count on that." He squeezed my hand. "I'm happy I could be here for you."
I nodded again and burrowed into his side. I was happy too, that I wasn't alone in my house right now with no one but Kitty for company. I would have been going out of my mind with worry. No matter what Jake said, the fact remained that Ishould have been there, that morning when Mark last came to see me.
"Stop blaming yourself, okay?" Jake said, stroking one hand through my hair as if he could read my mind. "It's not going to lead anywhere or change anything. Tomorrow, we can search the city if you'd like. I know a few spots where homeless kids like to hide. Maybe we can find him."
"Thank you." My throat was so tight it was a miracle I got the words out.
"You're welcome." Jake dropped another kiss on my head, his hand now rubbing circles on my back.
"I think I want the wine," I said.
