Page 30 of A Very Oceanport Christmas
But it was time to be honest about things, wasn't it?
"I never enjoyed college," I said, not looking at Dad. I kind of wanted to, to gauge his reaction, but couldn't make myself. I'd kept this secret for so long, I felt like everything should come to a grinding halt now that I'd spoken the words out loud. Nothing like that happened, though. The car just continued its smooth glide over the road.
"College can be tough," Dad said.
"Easy for you to say, you never went." I risked a glance at my Dad. A wry smile showed on his face.
"True," he said. "I'm not a very good role model. I never wanted you to see me that way."
"No, you always wanted me to be as smart as Paps." An expectation I'd never been able to fulfill. I wasn't book-smart. Hell, I wasn't any kind of smart. There'd been a reason I'd gone to that stupid party looking to get shit-faced, and it wasn't just that Nigel had broken up with me. I was failing most of my classes. If my pregnancy hadn't ended my college career, my lack of brains would have, sooner or later.
"Sam..."
"What?" I asked, scowling.
"Your Paps and I would love you even if you were as dumb as a piece of bread, I hope you know that. But you'renotdumb, and we'd like you to give college your best shot."
"College isn't as great as you think it is." I was starting to feel spiteful now. If college was really so wonderful, how would Dad explain the awful things that had happened to me there? Would he still want me to go back if he knew? I stared at his profile, at the tension in his posture. He was ready to get into a fight over this.
I didn't want to get into a fight, I just... I needed him to know. Everything. I needed him to understand. So I opened my mouth again and I let the words fall out of me. "The only reason I tried so hard to get into college in the first place was because I didn't want to disappoint you and Paps. I know you tried not to let it show, but I saw the fear in your eyes every time a rejection letter came. You were scared of having a dumb kid who'd never get anywhere in life on his own. But then I finally got in somewhere and I decided that I was going to make it work. I would show everybody. I was going to be an adult now." I paused, but only to draw a breath. My dad's features had gone even more tense now. I knew he was itching to jump in with his own thoughts of the matter, but I wasn't done yet. "Things didn't really work out that way," I continued. "Turns out there's people who aren't made for college and I might just be one of them. I tried, Dad, I really did, but..." Lectures and classes were so fuckingboring.I didn't saythatpart out loud, knowing it wouldn't help my case. "My grades are really bad," I said instead, voice dropping a little. "I kind of just wanted to forget it all for a little while, so I went to this party..." My throat tightened. The words had flowed freely at the start, but now it was getting harder and harder to get them out.
Dad took his eyes off the road for a moment to shoot me a look, but I couldn't read the expression on his face. "A frat party?" he asked.
"Kinda, yeah..." It had been at a frat house, hadn't it? Even that detail was fuzzy now. "I drank too much or... I don't know... I didn't think I did, but I don't remember." I swallowed past a lump in my throat. "The reason I'm not telling you who the other father is that I really don't know. I can't remember that night."
Dad's hands tightened on the stirring wheel. "Did someone drug you?"
How did he jump to that conclusion so fast?
Then again, Aiden had too.
"Hell, even if they didn't..." Dad shook his head, and then, abruptly, he pulled the car over to the side.
"What's wrong?" I asked.
Dad didn't look at me. Instead, he closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "I'd drive us into a tree or something if I stayed on the road right now," he said. He sounded like he could barely control his temper, like he was ready to get into a shouting match--though I wasn't sure why, or who he wanted to fight with.
Me?
Because I'd been stupid enough to let myself get drugged?
"I'm sorry," I said, pre-emptively. I really hadn't wanted to fight with Dad today. I'd wanted to enjoy a nice day out picking a Christmas tree, but everything about this year's holiday season was getting messed up around me.
Dad pointed a finger at me. "You have nothing to apologize for!" He delivered the words with such vehemence that I was taken aback for a moment. I almost wanted to apologize for apologizing. "It's not you that I'm mad at," he added. "I'm mad at the asshole who took advantage of you."
"I'm not sure if--"
"It doesn't matter if there were illegal drugs involved or not," Dad cut me off decisively. "Even if you'd only had too much to drink, you were clearly too drunk to realize what was going on if you can't even remember the person you were with. No one can give consent in that state. And what's worse, the bastard didn't even think to use a goddamn condom."
Yeah, there was nothing really that I could say in response to that. I'd had the same thought myself, wishing that whoever fucked me had at least used protection.
"Are yousureyou can't remember who it was?" Dad asked. "I can't accept that he did that to you and he's just getting away with it!"
"I... No." I couldn't say for sure. I had flashes of memories. Bits and pieces. Someone wore a red sweater. Someone had brown hair. None of it fit together to form a coherent picture, though, and even of the things I did remember, I couldn't be sure. What if I ended up blaming the wrong person? "It's okay," I said. "I'm over it."
As long as I never had to go back to that school, I would be fine. As long as I could just move on. I had David now. Things would be better.
"Sammy..." Dad rested his hand on my shoulder, voice heavy with an emotion I couldn't name. "Why didn't you tell us after it happened? We could have helped you. They could have run tests on you. You didn't have to work through all of this by yourself. We could have been there for you."
