Page 105 of Hard Rock Muse
The sun was setting, turning the sky shades of pink and purple. A streak of fading light glinted against my windshield, almost blinding me. I squinted and turned my face away.
My eyes landed on the fire escape, the same staircase Julian and I had climbed to get to the roof.
I remembered it had been peaceful up there. Calming.
Without thinking much about it, I unbuckled my seatbelt and left the car, slamming the door behind me. I went up to the metal staircase, examining it. It didn’t look as rickety as it had before.
I began the climb, my palms turning grimy from the rusted handrail. When I reached the roof, I went to the edge and sat down, letting my legs dangle off the side. I wiped my hands on my jeans, not caring about getting them dirty. I didn’t care much about anything at that moment, except to escape my thoughts.
But if I thought being alone and watching a beautiful sunset would quiet my mind, I was mistaken. All it did was remind me of the last time Julian and I had been up here.
We’d been working on him expressing his emotions. I’d told him to write down what he was feeling. Told him that no one would ever see it, because we would burn it after.
He’d made me do it, too. I still remembered what I’d written.
If I can’t have you to myself, then I’ll share you with the world.
That had been when I’d thought Julian was in love with Seth. I thought I had no chance with him. I’d told myself that if I’d never get Julian voicing his feelings to me, I could at least get him to express himself through song.
And I’d pulled it off. At least, I thought I had. Cerise liked the song well enough, so clearly I’d done something right.
But I’d also done something wrong.
I’d begun to think Julian might actually have the same feelings for me that I did for him.
But as it turned out, I was just a means to an end for him. That was all I had ever been.
My fingers and toes turned icy cold as I sat there on the roof, watching the sky turn darker and darker, until it was past twilight. Small pinpricks of stars twinkled in the heavens, only a few dozen or so visible through the light pollution from neon signs and street lamps.
I curled my toes in my boots. I’d stopped wearing my black pumps and started wearing my boots again. I’d traded my pencil skirts for dark denim and tight black pants with decorative zippers and buckles.
I’d finally found my way back to myself, only to discover that even the old Ever’s life has been a lie all the time.
Another sob tried to make its way out of my throat, but I ruthlessly stamped down the urge.
I was sick of crying. I was sick of whining.
I was sick of letting others define who I was.
Ev. Ever. Everly.
I just wanted to live my life the way I wanted to, without worrying about being used or abused by others.
Maybe the life I’d led before had been a lie, but I’d made a promise to myself to only look toward the future.
And from now on, I was the only person who was allowed to decidemyfuture.
