Page 83 of Hard Rock Muse
“Then it got worse,” I continued. “He didn’t just suggest things. He stated them and took it as a given that I would agree. And sometimes I wouldn’t. And he’d get upset.” I curled into myself, feeling vulnerable, memories flashing through me. “I would tell him what I wanted and he’d laugh. He’d put me down. He made me feel so small. Like everything I said, everything I wanted or suggested was stupid. So eventually I learned it was easier to just go along with whatever he said. I stopped even trying. It wasn’t a conscious decision. I guess I just realized it was easier to go along with him than risking upsetting him. When he was upset, he would yell. He would storm around. He would look at me and his eyes would be so full of anger and rage. It was scary. I was scared of him.”
Julian closed his arms around me tight and pressed his lips to the top of my head.
“I’m so sorry,” he said. “It’s all my fault. If I hadn’t just left like that, you never would have turned to him.”
“It’s not your fault he’s a controlling asshole,” I replied.
“Seth and I knew there was something not right about him,” Julian growled. “We should have stayed and fought more.”
“I probably wouldn’t have listened,” I admitted.
“You always were stubborn.” Julian buried his head in my hair and held me.
“It happened slowly,” I continued. “I didn’t realize how bad it had gotten. Until one day I guess I just snapped.” It wasn’t exactly a lie. “I realized I didn’t like the person I’d become. The person he’d turned me into. So I left him.”
“That’s not the whole story,” Julian asked. “Is it?”
I exhaled heavily, deciding to come clean.
“I was with Abby,” I said. “I rarely saw her by that point. Keith said I should be concentrating on my music, on my work, that other people were just a distraction. But it was my birthday and she insisted on showing up at my apartment with a present and cake.”
“Sometimes I forget she’s got a bit of a stubborn streak just like you,” Julian said with a soft smile.
“I had really missed her. She stayed longer than I realized. Keith showed up. Abby tried to be polite to him, but I could tell she didn’t like him at all. She knew it was his fault I’d pulled away from all my family and friends. But she didn’t put him down or talk badly about him in front of me. I think she knew I wouldn’t have listened.”
“She wanted to just be there to support you,” Julian said.
“Abby was there making polite conversation with Keith. He was being his usual asshole self. I hadn’t realized it until just then. The way he talked down to Abby, it was the same way he talked to me. She said something. I don’t even remember what. He laughed at her, derisive and callous. He told her she was being an idiot. I saw the way her face fell. He had really hurt her. I got pissed off. I thought, how dare he talk to my baby sister like that. That’s when I realized. I’d been letting him treat me like that, this whole time. And if I wouldn’t accept that behavior with Abby, why was I letting him act that way with me? So… I left.”
“As simple as that?” Julian said.
I curled into myself. “No. Definitely not as simple as that. But that moment was the beginning of the end. I’d finally realized what Keith was, what he’d done to me. And I decided I was done with him.”
“I wish I could get my hands on that bastard,” Julian growled.
“It doesn’t matter anymore,” I said. “It’s the past.”
“Ev, why didn’t you just tell me?” he asked.
“Because I knew you’d want to kill him.”
“That can’t be the only reason,” he said.
“Julian…” I cringed, not wanting to say it.
“Why, Ev?” he pressed.
“Because it’s embarrassing!” I stood from the bed in a whirlwind of sheets and pillows. “I was an idiot, just like Keith said, letting him treat me like that. I’m supposed to be a strong, bad ass woman, and look what I let him do to me.”
Julian shook his head firmly.
“No,” he said. “That’s not how it works. It’s not your fault. It’s nothing you did. There’s nothing wrong with you. It’s all on him.”
“I should have known better.”
“You were in an abusive relationship.”
I stopped. Julian’s words rang through me.
