Page 73 of Kiss and Tell
“Since my diagnosis.”
Twenty-Three
“It started as a tingle.”
Connor and I were seated on the sofa. My feet were planted firmly on the floor with my hands clasped in my lap. I didn’t want Connor to see them shaking.
“I kept brushing it off, not thinking much of it,” he continued as I sat silently, patiently. “It was like the tingle you got when your feet fall asleep. I thought maybe I’d been sleeping on my arm funny.”
He spoke slowly, each word chosen with deliberation and care.
“It didn’t affect my playing, not at first. I felt the tingle, but it didn’t hurt. I could still play all the chords. I didn’t even bother telling anyone.”
I nodded to show I was listening. I wanted to interrupt with a dozen questions, but I stopped myself. I was going to let Connor tell his story.
I had a feeling he’d never said these words out loud before.
“The tingle started to throb.” He looked down at his fingers, drumming a regular pattern on the sofa cushions, as if keeping time to a rhythm only he could hear. “It wasn’t painful, exactly. It was more like I could feel my heartbeat in my hand. A constant, regular pulsing. It was distracting sometimes, but I could force myself to ignore it.”
Connor’s fingers stopped drumming as they stretched reflexively.
“I kept on playing, kept on touring. I didn’t exactly love the travel aspect, but I loved performing and meeting fans, not to mention all the parties and women…”
He flashed me a chagrined sort of half-smile and I returned it. I knew what Connor’s past had been like. He had never denied that he’d thoroughly enjoyed that part of the rock star life.
“I went to city after city, played show after show, partied hard every night and did it all again the next day. I had enough distractions in my life that I could pretend everything was fine.”
He clenched his fist, mouth turning down into a frown.
“Then the tingling and throbbing turned to this burning sensation and I couldn’t ignore it anymore. I took painkillers and it helped for a while, but I started needing more and more, until I realized I was in real danger of becoming addicted. I’d seen that happen to way too many guys. I wasn’t going to let that be me. So I threw out the pills and pushed on through the pain. But then that burning feeling stopped and—”
His voice wavered as he cut himself off, his fist trembling. I unclasped my fingers and covered his balled hand with both of mine. I ran my thumbs back and forth across his white knuckles.
“My fingers went numb,” he said flatly. “It was one thing to play through the pain, but when I couldn’t even hold a pick in my hands…”
Connor bowed his head. I knelt up on the sofa and wrapped my arms around his broad chest from behind, tucked his head under my chin.
“Nerve damage.” He lifted his hand to his face to stare at it, as if he could fix it by willpower alone. “An overuse strain injury. The doctor said it was nothing I’d done wrong. It just happened sometimes.”
“Connor, I am so,sosorry.” My voice was thick with unshed tears. However many I’d shed during the movie, Connor’s story eclipsed them all. “I had no idea.”
He inhaled slowly, shakily. He rested a hand on my arm where it curled around his chest.
“I don’t want you to feel bad for me,” he said, patting my forearm. “I was planning on leaving the industry anyway. Like I said, all that traveling and being on the road was wearing on me. But being told I had no choice…”
“I can’t imagine how much it must have hurt to have your music taken away from you like that,” I said.
Connor turned his head to meet my eyes.
“It wasn’t completely bad news,” he said. “As long as I rested and took it easy, the numbness and the pain went away. It was only when I was touring and playing every night or in rehearsals every day that my hand started acting up.”
“So, you can still play guitar?” I asked hopefully.
He let a sigh out through his nose, lowering his head.
“A bit,” he said. “A song or two doesn’t aggravate the nerve damage. But playing hurts in a different way now. It reminds me I can never go back to the way things were.”
I ducked my head until we were face to face and put my hands on his cheeks.
