Page 65 of Hot and Bothered
Christie had taken the only other bed in the apartment.
Evan and I were going to be forced to sleep together in the same bed again.
He didn’t seem to realize it right away as he starting putting away the empty pizza box and wadding up the used napkins.
“Let me help,” I told him.
“I’ve got it,” he said.
His phrasing wasn’t exactly warm, but he hadn’t snapped at me, at least.
I waited until the living room was cleaned up, then I cleared my throat.
“Can we talk now?” I asked softly.
Evan eyed the closed door to the spare room. I knew he wouldn’t want to hash this out in front of his sister, but he probably also knew she’d give him a piece of her mind the next morning if he wasted this opportunity to talk in private.
“All right,” he said with a heavy sigh.
Neither of us sat down. We stood facing each other, like a stand-off in those old cowboy westerns. That comparison didn’t put me at ease. I didn’t want Evan and me to be on opposite sides. I wanted us to be on the same side. Evan and me against the world.
“I want to apologize again,” I started. “I never meant to hurt you.”
“I know you didn’t mean to,” Evan said. “But you did.”
I wrung my hands together, twisting and entangling my fingers in a fidgeting motion.
“Will you let me explain why I jumped to all those conclusions?”
Evan’s mouth twisted, but he nodded once.
I took a deep breath and gathered my thoughts.
“When I walked into Sin and Tonic that night, I thought I’d messed up everything.” I lowered my head, remembering the awful feelings that had been swirling inside me, the feelings that drove me to get black-out drunk. “I knew my parents would never forgive me. I knew I wouldn’t be able to go back home unless I did what they wanted. I knew they didn’t care about what I wanted. They’d never really cared about me at all. They only cared that I did what they said and acted like an obedient daughter. I’ve never felt cared for. I’ve never felt like someone actually cared about me, as a person.” I lifted my eyes to meet Evan’s. “Until I met you. For some reason, you cared about me, right from the start. You worried about me, and reassured me, and protected me. And I never really knew why. You’ve been so wonderful. And I think a part of me has been waiting for the other shoe to drop. Something deep inside me was always waiting for that moment when I’d find out you didn’t really care about me after all.”
Evan’s face went blank, and I couldn’t tell if he was upset, or surprised or anything else.
“It wasn’t a conscious thought,” I hurried to continue. “It was just something in the back of my mind, always wondering when this daydream was going to end. And then I saw those messages and it was like all of my worst nightmares had come true.” Tears pricked the backs of my eyes. “I didn’t want to believe it. I didn’t want to believe you’d hurt me like that. But at that moment, I went back to that dark place where no one cared about me. And it was terrible and heartbreaking, and yet somehow it felt inevitable. As if there was no way someone like you could possibly care about someone like me.”
Evan’s blank expression contorted into something pained.
“Alice…” He closed his eyes and tipped his head back with a heavy sigh. When he opened them again, that unreadable face and those distant eyes were back to their usual warmth. He held out his arms. “Come here.”
The tears spilled down my cheeks as I launched myself into his arms, clinging to him desperately. I let out a sobbing breath as he cupped the back of my head.
“I had no idea you felt that way,” he murmured.
“I didn’t know I felt that way,” I whispered. “It wasn’t until you got mad at me that I think I realized I’d been expecting something like that all along. I’d disappointed my parents, disappointed my sister, disappointed Jacob and his family. It only made sense that eventually, I’d disappoint you, too.”
“You’ve never disappointed me,” Evan said. “I’m proud of you. I’m in awe of you, actually. You’ve come so far in such a short time.”
“It doesn’t feel like it,” I said. “I still feel like that useless, hopeless, naïve, and sheltered girl. I’ve never even had proper pizza before tonight!”
Evan chuckled softly and sifted his fingers through my long, blond strands.
“You’re getting there.” He pulled back enough so he could meet my eyes. “I have to apologize, too.”
I shook my head. “No, you don’t.”
