Page 68 of Rough
“Are you serious right now?” Surging up to my knees, I lean forward and poke him in the chest. “Maybeif you all picked up a God damnphoneat any point in the past five fuckin’ years, you’d know! I’ll tell you what happened. Pap died. HediedWilder. Left me alone to run a farm with no one except Donny to help me out. Then, I met a boy ‘cuz the ones I loved took off, and all he wanted was to cop a fuckin’ feel and get laid. Real pushy bastard, too. Remy got lucky with the single shot he got from my knee; others have gotten worse. You should tell him that. Then Donny got sick. So, I took overthatfarm as well.”
I’m breathing heavily, still jabbing his chest muscles, getting more and more angry that I’m barely able to press into his skin. His chest is rising and falling rapidly and when I glare into his face, I see how furious he is.
“You talkin’ about that fuck head dude? The one that’s brother to the mayor?He touched you?”
Sitting back on my feet, I drop my hand, but not before Wilder catches it and holds it to his chest. “It doesn’t matter now. Because all of that,allthose things aren’t really what happened to me. You happened to me. You, and Bill—Clyde, and Remy. You left me behind and never once looked back. Do you know how devastated you left me while you got to explore and live your life? I had to stay behind and pick up your shit. Literally. Your horses shitsofuckin’ much.”
I try to tug my hand away, and he lets me this time, but not before pressing a kiss to the tip of my finger I poked him with. Flushing, I jerk it to my lap and look away. “You all left and when you came back, you acted like I was nothin’ more than mud stuck in the tread of your boots. You yelled at me, assumed I was out to swindle the Landry farm out from under Remy, then ruined everythin’ I’d been workin’ on.”
Dragging my eyes back to his face, I push the rest out. “I did it for all of you. At first, I thought ya’ll were comin’ back, so I setthings in motion. Then, when you didn’t, I just kept goinghopin’you would.”
He looks away, swallowing hard a few times before facing me again. His shoulders are slumped, and I know he feels guilty, but it doesn’t change fact. “I want to start at the end and work my way back. I’m not speakin’ for the guys forallof this, but we had every intention of comin’ back home. I don’t know when, but it was always the plan to settle back here.”
“Could’ve fooled me.”
Not responding to my cutting remark, he continues. “Payin’ you back for the damages we did was necessary, but I know the fact we even did it was the biggest insult. It’s not much of an excuse, and I take full responsibility for it, but I blame myself. The other two…” He trails off, attempting to explain. “Bein’ drunk ain’t an excuse, but they were. They were tanked. Clyde could barely stand, and Rem was furious and hurtin’ ‘cuz of his dad. But I wasn’t. Drunk, I mean. I watched them do it, and had every intention of pluggin’ it back in, no worse for wear, but I got distracted and justforgot.”
His eyes bounce back and forth, watching for my reaction. “I’msorry, Bets. So fuckin’ sorry. I’ve done nothin’ but fuck up since we showed our faces again. I should’ve known you’d never intentionally do what Uncle Murph was sayin’. I’m sick over you hatin’ me right now.”
My body sinks into the seat, and I lean my head against the headrest to watch him. I can see how much he means every word. There’s no doubt in my mind that he has regrets, but it still hurts. Not just what they’ve all done this week, but how things went those last few months before they left.
“I hear what you’re sayin’, Wilder. I really do. I also fully believe that you’re sorry. The shit since you been home, fine, you’re forgiven,” I say, wavin’ him off. He grins at me, sitting upstraighter, but as I keep talking, he deflates again. “But it’s not just that. You were my best friend.”
Sorrow fills his eyes, and he leans forward, bringing his face closer to mine. “I’m not your best friend anymore?”
“That’s what you decided, not me. Best friends don’t take off, knowin’ that the one they care about wants to go with. Best friends keep in touch, call every now and then. Best friends don’t kiss and then run off, leavin’ the other one confused and unsure of what it means.”
A spark of fire lights up his eyes when he quirks the corner of his mouth up. “Best friendsdorun away when they realize that their best friend just becamemorethan their best friend, and they are immature little boys who don’t know how to handle it. When they realize that every girl they ever dated never held a candle to the woman they always compared them to.”
“That’s absurd.”
“It’s the God’s honest truth, Bets. That day scared the fuckin’ shit out of me. Do you know what it’s like to kiss someone you never realized you held on a pedestal? I spent years datin’ girls, but they were never good enough ‘cuz they were neveryou.”
Looking away, I stare out the window, Wilder giving me a few moments to organize my thoughts. Finally, I feel I can face him again.
“I don’t know what that’s like. But I want you to consider somethin’ for me. Do you know what it’s like to kiss someone you’ve always respected and had feelin’s for, not just friendship, but someone who knew you inside and out, and have them run from you like you did somethin’ wrong?” He tries to interject, but I keep going because I’m not finished. “Maybe I’m combinin’ all of you together here, which probably isn’t fair, but you kissed me like I was precious to you, then you ran away. Clyde and I had a moment; then he ran away. Then youallran away, halfway cross country, and disconnected.”
“Bets, I didn’t know about Clyde. We shouldn’t have left without explainin’ fully, and we should’ve included you. I can’t take it back now, so what can I do to show you it’s not our future? How do I make this right?”
I shake my head slowly. I’m not sure he fully gets it, but maybe on a small level, he does. “You can’t change the past.”
“I can change the fuckin’ future, though.”
My soft laughter is self-deprecating. “Yeah, you can. My future is signin’ the farm back over to Remy now that I’ve been reimbursed. I assume ya’ll plan to stay behind this time?” I don’t wait for his answer. “So, I’m gonna keep doin’ what I got to do to get by. I won’t keep hatin’ on you, maybe Remy and Clyde for a bit, but I appreciate your apology. Just… things are different now. My future is gonna be pushin’ forward with my farm and I plan on doin’ it alone.”
His voice cracks when he grips my thigh and squeezes. “I don’t want that, Bets. I want us to go back to how we were.”
“Before or after the kiss, Wilder? Before or after ya’ll disappeared? Before or after Pap died? Before or after it took me shootin’ at ya to make you realize you messed up?”
I figured he wouldn’t know how to answer me, so I twist in my seat and put my feet up on the dash and lean back to close my eyes. They pop open when he answers me as soon as the truck starts.
“After the kiss, but before everythin’ else. That’s where I want us to be. When you light up when you see me, give me shit for bein’ a dumbass, then jump on my back and whisper ideas about how we can play outside. I’m gonna work my ass off and keep apologizin’ until you tell me you’ve had enough.”
We head back to the farm in silence, except for when I whisper, “Good luck with that.”
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Remy
