Page 38 of His to Explore
“I’m the one who should be sorry,” Grant growls, carrying me to the chair in the corner. “I pushed you too far.”
“You didn’t,” I say quickly as he sits, adjusting me in his lap. “I asked for that. I was having fun. I…I don’t know what happened.”
“It’s okay,” he murmurs, hands rubbing soothing circles over my back. “It’s okay. You’re safe.”
I don’t know how long we sit like that, me in his arms desperately trying to get my shit together. When my tears have finally stopped, I pull back and look up into his eyes. “I really am so sorry. I’m mortified.”
“Baby, no,” he says, hands coming up to cradle my face, to smooth my hair. “You don’t ever have to apologize for using your safe word. Notever. Tell me you know that.”
I nod, even though I still feel like an idiot. Grant sees right through me, his eyes flashing as he shakes his head. “If you don’t understand that, then I’ve failed as your Dom. You should never, ever have to doubt that your word is safe. I’m sorry I made you feel that way.”
“You didn’t.” Now I feel even worse. Grant is an amazing Dom. I don’t need to have any experience to know that.
“We need to trust each other for this to work,” he says. “That means you trust me to stop and I trust you to ask to stop when you need to. Okay?”
I nod, still feeling shaky. Whatever he might say, there’s a part of me that’s convinced he’s going to end this. How could a man like him stay with such a scared, inexperienced fool?
He pulls me back to his chest, running his hands over my body. I’m starting to feel more calm now, more safe, and I take in deep inhales of his scent.
“Can you tell me what happened to make you panic?” he finally asks, voice soft and careful, like he’s trying not to set me off again. “Is there anything specific that bothered you?” When I don’t answer, he hugs me tighter. “I just need to know so that I can make sure that never happens again, okay? I need to make sure you’re safe next time.”
I can’t fight back the shudder. The mere thought that we might do something like this again makes me feel physically sick.
“I didn’t want to,” I finally manage to choke out. “He was bringing his…you know…to my face and I knew I was supposed to…” God, this is even more mortifying than experiencing it.
“You didn’t want to perform oral sex on him,” Grant says calmly.
“Yes. I realized that I didn’t want to do that.” I swallow hard. “It felt…wrong. Them touching me and the way you guys were talking…” I duck my head into his chest.
“You liked that part,” he suggests, and I nod against him.
“But then when it came to actually…”
“Have sex,” he finishes for me.
“Yes. I just…I knew I couldn’t do that with them. I couldn’t do that with anyone but you.”
The weight of those words hits me all at once, bringing the panic rushing right back in. I don’t want to do that with anyone but Grant. Not tonight. Not ever.
And that scares the ever-loving hell out of me.
“Baby?” Grant says, clearly picking up on my rigid body. “What’s wrong?”
“I can’t do this,” I yelp out, pushing away from him. He must be startled by my sudden reaction because he actually lets me go. I scramble off his lap and rush to my dress, folded neatly on the dresser. I don’t bother with underwear or my bra.Thank fuck this is a slip on,I think, pulling the fabric over my head. I’m putting my shoes on by the time he gets over his surprise enough to follow me.
“Hey.” He holds his hands up like I’m a threatened animal about to lash out. “Everything is okay.”
“I have to go.”
“That’s fine. We can leave right?—”
“No!” I cry. I know I’m acting crazy all over again but I can’t control it any better than I did before. “I need to leave by myself.”
He shakes his head. “I can’t let you do that. I can’t let you leave here by yourself when you’re so upset.”
“I don’t want you!” I practically shriek. It’s not true, of course. I want him more than anything. And that’s why I need to go. Right now.
“Kensie.” His voice is pained, pleading, but I just can’t.
