Page 85 of Roses, Pearls, and Hot Summer Nights
He nodded in the direction we were going. “Egypt Beach isn’t far. It’s a walk but it’s quiet.”
Despite visiting the beach during the bonfire, I didn’t even get a chance to put my feet in the water. “I’d love to feel the ocean. Sounds good, but I thought you hated the beach?”
“I hateourbeach. I wasn’t kidnapped on this beach. I like this one. I think I’ll like it more with you.”
Well, there it is. “Everyone else kind of dances around it, but you just say it. I don’t blame you. I think I would hate where I got kidnapped, too.”
He stared at me for a second. “The thing is, I don’t remember the kidnapping. I don’t know why. I was taken, and somehow, I survived it, yet I don’t know anything about what happened to me. Not how they got me. Not who. What? Where? Why? Not a partridge in a pear tree. The investigators tried everything to try to get the information out of me, but it is a total blank. They found me crying miles away on Southampton with scratches all over my back, sand under my fingernails, and blood dripping from my mouth, like I’d taken a hard hit. But I don’t remember any of it. I couldn’t even then. All I knew afterward was that I hated our beach.”
I couldn’t think of an easy response, so I gave him real instead. “Phoenix, I don’t know what happened to you or how you could have a total blank about it, but I know I’m glad you’re not dead. I’m so glad you didn’t die, too. Whatever you did to get away, I’m grateful you did it, because despite the fact that you stole my wallet, I really,reallylike you.”
His smile showed the dimple in his left cheek. “You are such a gift. I made up for the wallet by chasing down the dipshit PI.”
He’d also bought me a rose and brought me ice for my cheek. I needed to figure out how to cover the bruise for the next night, I remembered with a frown.It really doesn’t match my pretty dress.
I would have to see if I could find some tutorials online or something.Poor Relationwas better than me about that stuff. She would already know how to do her makeup.
“I don’t think anyone has ever thought of me as a gift, but if you really do, or even if you’re just being nice, I’ll say thank you.” His brothers certainly seemed happy he was around. The way they talked about him made me wonder if they knew what to dowith or about him, but they seemed sort of gelled together and happier for it lately.
He squeezed my fingers. “I don’t know why you like me. I’m pretty fucked up. Still, you don’t judge and you roll with my crazy. That makes you a gift. Here, we’re turning right to that entrance. Take off your shoes. I don’t want you to get sand in them, so I’ll carry them for you.”
Phoenix was very tuned in at the moment, and I wondered if it was him off the meds or if he really needed the ones he took. “I’ll carry them but thank you.”
We removed our shoes before we stepped onto the beach. The dunes were very high, the sand soft and warm beneath my feet, but I could see houses past the dunes glittering with lights. I turned and stared at the ocean. Beautiful, rough waves carved the sea, the kind that might carry me away, I thought nervously.
The sky arched blue, like a bowl filled with white fluffy looking clouds. Phoenix slipped his fingers through mine again, and we walked together to the shoreline. The Atlantic Ocean kissed my toes for the first second and I yelped in surprise. I wished I had been braver, but I squealed and then giggled like it was the best thing in the world. The water was colder than I anticipated, crisp and wild. It was incredible, and I behaved like a complete toddler in my excitement, but I couldn’t stop myself from dancing with the edge of the surf.
Finally, I glanced toward Phoenix, prepared for him to tell me I was strange or weird, but instead his eyes held an emotion I couldn’t quite decipher. He pulled me against him and kissed me, hard.
“I want to see the world like you do,” he growled against my lips.
I shook my head. “Most of the time, it’s bad. But not when you kiss me.”
He must have enjoyed the comparison, since he kissed me again, this time twining our tongues until I couldn’t think. When he pulled back, he breathed hard, but he kept me close, our foreheads still touching. “You make me want to be present when I normally want to run away all the time. Why don’t you think I’m a mess? Why don’t you choose them and tell me to go away? They would do that. They would pick you, and I wouldn’t blame them, but I would miss you.”
If I didn’t know his secrets, his words would confuse me. But I mostly understood, so while I wouldn’t comment, I also wasn’t going to pretend not to get it. That would degrade both of us. “They wouldn’t, and you need them, too. Phoenix, I’ll say it as many times as I need to—I’m being sent away, and there won’t be a thing you or they can do about it. I think what you need is your family. Youneedthem. I’m just here for now.” I took his cheeks in my hands, wishing it wasn’t true but knowing facts. “I don’t think you’re fucked up. I think you’re beautiful. Sometimes you do impulsive things, like take wallets and chase people on skateboards, but I think that you’re incredible. When you want to be better, if you ask for help, I think you’ll get it.”
He nodded, his hair falling slightly in his face. “They sent me away after the kidnapping. Like,rightaway. I came home from the hospital, and they sent me to a clinic to get help. That’s what they said, but I just wanted to go home. I guess my amnesia made me really concerning. It’s like I never got to go home, though, because my family was never the same afterward. I did that. I got kidnapped and I fucked everything up.”
I threw my arms around him, and I held on tightly. “If they made you feel that way, then I am so sorry. I think they blamed themselves, but who knows? They don’t like me anyway.”
He laughed. “Thank you for not sayingOh Phoenix, they don’t blame you. You are at least acknowledging they made mefeel isolated. That’s huge.” He hugged me tightly. “I was there, though. They like you just fine.”
Should I tell him? “Can you keep a secret?”
“You can’t imagine how good I am at keeping secrets.”
Actually, I could. He apparently managed not to out his family’s circumstances in therapy under constant care, which was impressive.
I swallowed. “Like, you won’t tell your brothers either? Because I think at least two of them will go nuts, and it will only make things worse, not better.”
“I guess it depends. I won’t tell them unless I think it’s essential.” He lifted his eyebrows. “We have an agreement, them and me, about them not harping about my drug use. If they do, I don’t hang around them. Anyway, there are things we don’t say to each other already. I can add your secret, but if it’s essential or involves your safety, I am going to tell them. I won’t lie to you about that. Don’t tell me if that’s not okay.”
I sighed.I’ve gone this far.With our feet in the Atlantic and the sunshine on our heads, I told him what I heard them say when I went back for his lighter.
He blinked rapidly. “She called you acharity case? That’s awful. I mean really … awful. But that doesn’t sound like they don’t like you … It sounds like they’re in a tizzy again over things that they need to just … never mind. I can see why you don’t want the twins to know about it, because they’ll get mad. Julian gets mad easily when it comes to you. Barrett would try to fix it by having an open conversation that also won’t make any of this better. Who knows with Jer. I’ll keep your secret, unless circumstances change in some way to make me tell them, not that I can think of any reasons at the moment.” He kissed me again and then spoke against my lips. “You’re not a charity case. You’re actually closer to being one of the ones they pretend to be than they themselves are. You were born into this world bynature of the fact that your mother was born to it. My family is always on the outskirts, even if most people don’t know that. You’re not what she called you, and every day we know you, you become more essential.” He met my gaze. “If they send you away, I will follow you. Wherever you are, there I will be.”
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