Page 73 of Dahlias, Sapphires, and Cool Autumn Dusk
“They moved to the Bronx,” I said and smiled at him. “I’ve never been there. Have you?”
He lifted his eyebrows. Jeremy joined us, crossing his legs to sit next to Jules. He said, “I forgot she lived there. I never think of her as living anywhere except her apartment, but that’s just because she’s lived there my whole memorable life.”
Barrett stopped playing and joined us, sitting on the other side of Julian. “The pictures in her bedroom are all from their time in the Bronx. I never ask her much about them, or aboutour grandfathers. I feel terrible about that, but all I honestly know is they had a better relationship with their parents than we have with ours.”
Phoenix lifted his head and raised his hand, as if getting attention in a class. “That is probably because of me.” He grimaced. “Sorry. For that and this.”
I kissed his cheek. “Are you okay? Are youyou? Are you thirsty? Need anything?”
“No.” He sighed. “I’m sorry. What was I doing? You all look like someone died.”
Barrett got to his feet and clenched his fists, his caged fury reminding me of his more temperamental brothers. “Probably because all four of us feared you were going to die. You might still die.” He repeated it. “And you fucking scared us, okay?”
He stormed from the room, and Phoenix caught his breath then gulped. For a second, I wondered if he would cry. Instead, he leaned back against the couch, staring at the ceiling. “I fucked up again, when this time, I was actually trying to see if I could make things better.”
Barrett reentered the room carrying a leather backpack he used for school. “I’m going to the library.”
Phoenix managed to stumble to his feet. “Barrett, I’m sorry. I am so sorry I scared you. All of you.”
His brother breathed heavily, his knuckles still white because his hands were bunched into tense fists. “You kept saying you needed to get to Alatheia. You were afraid they would take her to the dark place. What is the dark place?”
Phoenix ran a hand through his hair, closing his eyes as if trying to remember. “It’s the only thing I can describe about where they took me. I guess. . .I thought they were going to take Alatheia?”
Julian stood. “Who arethey?”
Phoenix shrugged, blowing out a frustrated breath. “No idea, just a general sense ofthem.Athey. I can’t describe it better, and I’ve tried in therapy.” Usually, he ran away by that point in discussing his issues. If we challenged Phoenix on anything, he tended to bolt. Instead, he told his brother, “It was a dark place, but that’s all I know. I can’t…” He took a deep breath. “I really can’t come up with anything else about it. But I can’t have them taking you, Red. I can’t. What would I do if they came for you?”
I wrapped my arms around him again, surprised at how damp his tee shirt felt, drenched in sweat. “No one is taking me anywhere. Especially not like that. If anyone makes me go any place, you can come with me. You told me that, that you would find me anywhere. I believe you.”
He kissed my head. “Thank you. Yes, I would. I…I thought maybe I could just do weed. People are stoned all day every day, so I could take gummies. Smoke it. Eat it. Whatever. I could just spend all day a little bit stoned, blur everything away, and no one would notice. I figured it would be better than what I’ve been doing, anyway.”
Jeremy stared at him, his face blank with shock. “You thought you could just stop and swap drugs? Like a replacement drug?”
Phoenix gave a one-armed shrug, his expression sheepish. “I read something about it, thought it might work. Leave it to Joe to give me some kind of dark weed the first time I tried it. I didn’t intend to semi relive the worst time of my life, especially not with a special guest from the future, so I lost my girl, too.”
Barrett dropped his backpack with a thud, the fight drooping out of him. “We can get you help. We can talk to Eric?—”
“They’ll send me away. I don’t mean to rehab and back, like half of our classmates. I know them, and they will send me away from here. They will make me leave you guys. Leave Alatheia. By the time I get back, it’ll be too late for me with her, and you knowit. You’ll all be cemented into your roles in the relationship and I’ll be gone. I know I said I didn’t want to do this, before I met her, but I do. I don’t want to be on the outside. I can’t leave. Do you understand?”
Barrett hugged his brother, which meant I had to let go, but I didn’t mind. I sniffled, glad they shared the moment.
“I let you down. I let them take you,” Barrett said, tears running down his cheeks as he wept into his brother’s neck. Julian audibly sucked in a breath.
The moment charged with electricity, intense emotions filling the room in a way that never happened. I rubbed my arms, feeling part of something, too.
“No,” Phoenix said roughly and gripped him back like his life depended on it.
“You don’t get it. We all had friends in that group. From the lake, among the people who came up every year.”
His younger brother wept, too. “Yeah, I know. Mine died. Walter and River died.”
“Yes, they did, but it wasn’t your fault. It’s mine. I wanted to be alone with my friends, and I didn’t let you all hang out with me. I tried to look cool, because one of my so-called friends called me a rich loser. Tess? Anyway, I heard our fathers talking about Tess possibly being the girl for all of us, and I hated her. But, still, fuck, if I had to marry her, she should at least find me cool. So to impress her, I told you to get away, hoping for alone time with Tess and Gordan. Instead, someone took you.”
“No!” Julian’s shout caught all of our attention, and we stared as tears ran down his face. “We were ten, eleven, and twelve. We never should’ve been allowed on the beach at midnight alone. You weretwelve. You weren’t responsible for us. You were a kid, but that’s not what you tell yourself, is it, Barrett? Even now. For years, you handled things, leaving us alone in the apartment because you thought you should takecare of us since you were about fifteen. No, I won’t let you spend one more day taking responsibility for what happened. Some sick bad person or people took our brother, but he lived. We don’t know why yet, but thank you to the universe or god or whatever for it. Beyond that, every singleadultwas responsible for what happened. Every single one.”
We all breathed hard, emotion riding us as if we ran a race. Julian continued, saying, “Phoenix, I wouldn’t ever move on without you. If they sent you somewhere, we would just wait for you to come home. Otherwise, I go with you. Okay? Hell, we’ll all go with you. We don’t do this without you anymore. It’s all of us or nothing.” He smacked down his fist, and his brothers covered it with their own, making a stack until they broke with laughter.
He wiped at his face, staring at me. “Thank you. I love you.”
