Page 16 of A Reindeer Wish for Love
What was he saying?Did I read him right?Maybe it was the excitement of having sex in near public that had both of us losing our minds.
What was that feeling I had been experiencing?Whatever it was, I had never felt it before in my life.I was happy and sad at the same time.I wanted to be free to talk and be with Mason, but all I could do was smile back at him like a peasant happy to be working as Mason and Halifax’s employee, I thought, returning to the reality that lay in front of me.
The reality that we weren’t holed up in a bathroom getting off on each other, but now we were outside with people watching our every move.
I had to wait for Mason to make the first advance.He raised his glass to me, and I offered him a reserved closed smile, remembering my position here at Mason and Halifax.Oh fuck, how could I forget.I needed this job, and most importantly, I wanted to remain here to be near Mason.
I found a comfortable seat away from the crowded dance floor where I could keep an eye on that beautiful man catching a glance at me every so often.I sat back on the large leather sofa with a table in front to rest my glass, and I tried to connect the faces and names to the people who worked here.
When a dude strolled around not drinking, but paying close attention to men and women who weren’t aware of anyone or anything if it wasn’t a drink or dancing, and trying to make connections for the next job.It dawned on me and no one told me, but the man with the serious face and penetrating gaze was one of the office managers.
He looked more like a bouncer in my opinion, and I would have taken him for one had I not heard someone whisper about him.Maybe an office manager and a bouncer had the same duties in this firm.Watch to see if anyone is drunk and unruly and complain too loudly about their pay checks, and escort them out of the building.Or a disgruntled client.He could be mistaken for the kind of men you would see in a club standing at the door, because he strode around with muscles and tattoos.
Nonetheless, the dark blue suit he wore contradicted what my thoughts and my eyes observed.The suit had a look that said expensive without appearing to be expensive, but I knew because I spent endless days wishing and scrolling through the high-end department stores online, hoping one day I could afford those types of suits that would complement my status and profession.
When I gave up playing my own games of match the face and suit to the occupation, I focused my eyes on Mason.He was talking to a young, handsome dude.Who was that dude standing and smiling with him?The handsome dude in his thirties glanced at me several times.Perhaps it was this expensive Tom Ford suit he’d been admiring.I hoped it wasn’t a boyfriend Mason’s wife and I didn’t know about.
I had gotten a lot of compliments wearing this expensive piece of cloth, and even a few women and men inquired how much I’d paid for it.I knew office politics, so I just said I got it somewhere in a bargain bin at a discount store online like Saks Fifth Avenue, and it wasn’t even real.‘It was a knockoff’, I’d stated to make them feel better.And they did.They went off and formed a huddle as if discussing the next play at a football game.
No doubt the next play was to get more information on the new hire.
I hoped I’d put to rest I had no money and I was just a young man who spent too much to keep up, because by the way I had been scrutinized, someone must have thought I was an in-law and I’d been given this job because of who I knew.
That may have been partly true, but I had worked my ass off in law school to pass the bar, and just recently Mason had worked my cock off in the men’s room.I wasn’t proud of that, but I felt great having him desiring me, which came as a surprise given the fact he was rich and handsome, and could have any woman or man he wanted, but it was me he chose.
That thought brought a smile to my face and the feeling of guilt dissolved like a false spring night in New York.
This group of mature men and women made me feel as if I was a rare bird sitting alone, and they couldn’t decide to admire me, or bash my head in.The envy of youth hung in the air, and I knew my position at this firm would be hell if I didn’t have Mason to keep them at bay.
“We have a bet going,” I glared up surprised, and wondered who had invaded my space and removed me from my thoughts.
It was this guy named Doug, short for Douglas, who strolled up to me with a glass of vodka and stirring it with his finger as he played with the ice cubes.Then with the confidence of a people person, sat for a chat.I was happy being alone with my thoughts and watching others.You could tell a lot by just quietly sitting and observing people.It was a game for me, and I didn’t invite him to play.
“A what?”I said over the loud dance music of the Bee Gees, ”You Should Be Dancing,” playing in the background.At first I thought Doug strolled over to ask me to dance, but I should have known better.He wasn’t gay, and I could tell the way he walked.He was pretending to be brash and outgoing, but he thought he knew how to approach a gay man.Yes, everyone knew by now I was gay.If they didn’t, they weren’t in the loop or hung out in the employees’ cafeteria.
“A bet.The guys said that the suit you’re wearing is real.”Shit, they were still talking about my suit.“Half of us said it was real, and the others said it was a knockoff.I was the only one willing or had the courage to walk over here and ask you.”I could see he was the dangerous one.And he was the only one who had no couth or manners as to stroll over here and ask how much I paid for this suit or feel the material,I thought.
“What did you say it cost?”I inquired before giving him the same lie I’d told before.They say if you can’t keep your lies straight then you’ve lied.I tried to be consistent.Another thing I wasn’t proud of—lying.However, sometimes people forced you to when you’re my age.I rationalized that the lie was a small one, and I was trying to survive as a small fish swimming among sharks.
Doug shot me a wide proud smile.He was a man who was obviously proud of the expensive dental work he had committed to, and said, “I thought it was a knockoff.Probably cost you no more than two hundred bucks if that.”Yet every chance he got he’d place his hand on my knee and slyly touch the fabric.Unless he was a seamstress, he didn’t have a clue.
“And you’re right.You won the bet.”He turned to his audience holding their glasses of liquor, in a circle, raised both hands in the air and then thumbs up.
“Yeah.Yeah.”I hoped that made him happy, and it caused me to understand that I would never spend a dime on an expensive suit again.
That suit had called too much unnecessary attention to me, especially since I was a person who would shrink from the spotlight.However, I should ‘run to it because of what I’ve accomplished,’ said my roommates.I enjoyed doing my work to the best of my abilities without fanfare and someone patting me on the back.
I didn’t need a pat with one hand and a knife in the back with the other.Therefore, I stayed clear of some people like Doug.
Now that the spotlight had been focused on me, I knew I had to keep my head down and disappear into the crowd of ordinary men who were here to get a paycheck and get home to their partners or significant others.
I enjoy the grind and staying busy because what did I have to go home to?Sleeping on my couch while my roomies were having sex in the next room.And that reminded me, I hadn’t had any since college and that was a monumental disaster.
The dude I’d roomed with had broken up with his partner and he was despondent and picked me of all people.He must have seen me night and day after day without anyone and felt sorry for me.Well, in that forgettable night, forgettable, only because I blocked it out of my mind, he came back to the dorm wasted and fell into my room and into my bed.When I asked him to leave, he reached and pulled me down over him and asked me to fuck him.Now I was a bottom and I had been without sex for so long that anything I touched would have me coming.And I did as he asked.I fell in love, at least I thought I did.
When I woke the next morning, he was in his room and sleeping.As I called out his name, and that too I blocked out of my mind, when I didn’t get an answer, I sauntered into his room thinking from that one night we had bonded, and I would have someone to snuggle up with.
There he was with his boyfriend, and he turned over after being with me most of the night and with me trying to comfort him, he said, “Oh you.Tomorrow I’m moving out and we’re making it official.”I cared more about him moving out than his dirty little secret—I had fucked him at the ripe age of nineteen a freshman, and he the big man on campus a senior and a baller.I didn’t ask what kind of baller he was, but his arrogance preceded him along with his reputation.A reputation I knew little about until after our night.
